There Can Be Kindness in Rejection

Believe it or not, I am grateful for those who have rejected me.

A couple of weeks ago, my phone rang. The caller ID revealed that the call was coming from a man who had rejected me. You might think my response would be hurt or that I might not even pick up, but I was actually pleasantly surprised.

We chatted for a while, covering the new things in each other's lives, our plans for Easter, and how we were handling quarantine. This wasn't a situation of two bored exes reaching out to each other because quarantine had turned our lives upside down. We were two friends catching up.

Three years earlier, he had rejected me in such a gracious way that I will always be thankful for him and his friendship. He took responsibility for leading me on, and he made it clear that he valued me. Most importantly, he firmly told me that he wasn’t in a place to date me and that he didn’t see himself ever being in that place.  

He was kind, he was clear, and he didn’t leave me mired in ambiguity. He put his discomfort aside to be direct with me. Rejecting me saved our friendship. Years later, he's still someone I can talk to without residual feelings of hurt. We are truly platonic friends.

He gave me the gift of closure.

I crave closure. I welcome rejection. It’s in the ambiguity where genuine heartbreak lies. 

I believe that a direct, compassionate rejection is a kindness. We live in a world where people would rather ghost one another than face the hard truths about what led to the demise of a friendship or a relationship, but there is no personal growth in this path for either party.

It’s only in embracing the uncomfortable feelings that we genuinely understand where things went wrong, take responsibility for our actions, and begin to move forward.  

Intentional relationships mean giving cues on how to react. 

It’s easy to understand why people ghost others. We convince ourselves that it’s kinder to save someone the embarrassment of rejection, or we’re afraid of looking proud if the other person didn’t actually have feelings for us, but it’s never kind to leave someone in a state of constant wondering.

“Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity….You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened,” Psychology Today explains in an article about the emotional effects of ghosting.

We have to give those cues and strive to create a culture of intentionality, caring, and honesty. It’s worth the temporary discomfort to save someone from a lifetime of what-ifs. Ghosting is the coward’s way out—it’s a way of running from our actions and the pain we’ve left in our wake.

When you ghost someone, you leave them wondering if what you shared together meant anything or if they simply imagined the whole relationship. It’s a behavior that causes people to doubt themselves—their instincts, their lovability—and it creates trauma that is carried forward into future relationships. 

Compassionate rejection still applies if you’ve never been on a date. 

Compassionate rejection isn’t only crucial in ending a romantic relationship but also for those almost-relationships that haunt so many of us. It’s often more comfortable to ignore the obvious signs of a friend developing feelings for you, especially if those feelings aren’t reciprocated. The easy path is to maintain the status quo and hope it all blows over, but there comes the point when this isn’t being a true friend. If you’ve invested time in each other, then you owe them an explanation. There’s always the fear that it will ruin the friendship, but it’s worth the risk.

I have the utmost respect for the men in my life who have pulled me aside to clarify their intentions. The rejection stung at the time, but I have come to realize that they rejected me because they respected me, my time, and my heart. These rejections were a heartbreak that lasted a week rather than dragging on for months. 

I’ve tried to do the same for men whose feelings I knew I couldn’t reciprocate. At the time, I felt like the kindest thing I could do for them was a clear but gentle rejection. I knew the rejection would hurt, but I also knew it would hurt more if I led him on and wasted his time. And when I saw an engagement announcement from one of those men, I felt reassured I did the right thing. It was a mercy to set him free to find someone else better suited for him. Rejection is a kindness when it comes from a place of genuine respect.

Sometimes we have to ask for the closure we need. 

Sometimes we aren’t offered this closure by the people from whom we need it, but I’ve learned to ask for it anyway. When a man who said he wasn't quite ready to date me but wanted to soon suddenly disappeared on me during a difficult time in my life, I asked him why. I wasn’t trying to convince him that he should date me, but I knew I deserved the respect of an explanation.

It may be stressful and awkward, but I’ve never regretted those minutes of pain because they set me free to process the rejection, forgive myself for my mistakes, and forgive him for his. If they’ve already rejected you, then why not know why? It’s worth the moments of pain to avoid months of living in the what-ifs. 

When you’re on a receiving end of rejection, you have to do the other person the courtesy taking their words at face value. Believe them when they say that they don’t want to be with you. Take the criticism as constructive, take a serious look at your own behaviors, and then move on with your life. There’s no reason to live in the what-ifs when you know the reason why. 

Compassionate rejection is important in friendships too.

The kindness in a rejection doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. It is also true in friendships. We’ve all had a friendship go south, and it’s often a more significant blow than a breakup. You never expect your friends to leave you, so you don’t guard your heart in the same way you do in a romantic relationship. 

If you’ve reached the conclusion that you don’t want to be friends with someone, you owe them the courtesy of at least a brief explanation. Letting them know why doesn’t mean that you have to stay in a friendship that’s become toxic to you, but it is a way to indicate that your friendship was real, and you still care for that person. 

Just like in a romantic relationship, you owe someone the honesty of telling them where things went wrong. They might even surprise you and change their behaviors. There’s no growth without honesty; that’s why we owe each other the truth instead of the deafening silence of ghosting.  

This is my thank you to the people who have rejected me. That rejection has been painful, but it’s made me a better person and set me on a better path. Compassionate honesty is the best gift that we can give people in our lives.