How to Navigate Ghosting and Submarining Online

When a connection doesn’t work out or ends messily, it’s easy to see yourself as the victim of being ghosted.

The modern world is unmoored from sanity and the dating world has certainly not been left unscathed. Terms like “ghosting” or “submarining” have made their way into our vocabulary. Ghosting refers to the tactic of ending a relationship by simply disappearing without any communication. If that person decides to suddenly reappear, they’re submarining. Both terms boil down to an attempt to normalize the art of being a jerk.

Living in a world where this kind of behavior is common enough to generate its own slang terminology creates an atmosphere of tension and distrust in developing relationships and keeps both man and woman on edge, wondering what to do next. More specifically, what does this cultural context mean for relationships at a place like CatholicMatch when people may come to the online community either already wounded or on guard from the ghosts?

Sensitivities and emotions always run high on dating and the virtual world online can often enhance those. When a connection on CatholicMatch doesn’t work out and ends in something less than a perfectly clean way, it’s easy to see oneself as the victim of being ghosted.

First, do you know what a relationship is and isn't?

In that regard, when one enters the online dating world, it’s important to have clear boundaries in terms of knowing what a relationship is and what it isn’t. And it has to be said crystal clear—correspondence with someone is not a relationship.

If you exchanged a few messages with someone, were starting to like them and then never heard from them again, you have not been “ghosted.” If the person reconnects with you a few weeks later, you have not been “submarined.” It might feel that way, but these emotions are an example of the online world acting like a funhouse mirror and making something appear bigger than it actually was.

I’ve been there. My early days on CatholicMatch were marked by overreaction, with one embarrassing incident standing out in particular. I’d had some good correspondence and even a handful of pleasant phone conversations. My reaction was to take the claddagh ring I wore and turn it around to indicate I was in a relationship. Imagine my disillusionment when I found she wasn’t even prepared to meet face-to-face. Less dramatic examples have included correspondence simply stopping. The hurt I would feel was real, but it wasn’t because I’d been mistreated or ghosted. I simply made online exchanges into something they weren’t.

But what if you've made it to the first date stage?

Now let’s say you’ve gotten to the next step and went on a date. What obligations exist here, presuming there were no sparks?

Self-restraint goes a long way in making things easier. Put bluntly, if you go in for a passionate good-night kiss and then disappear, I think your transgression rises to the level of ghosting. There was an implicit understanding in the kiss that you really liked each other, to say nothing of the emotions that physical contact naturally releases.

I can think of two examples from own life, one on each side of the equation. In each case, I could tell halfway through the date that it wasn’t going anywhere. In the first instance, as a young man, I gave in and went for a goodnight kiss. I kicked myself all the way home, knowing that to disappear now would effectively be ghosting. Things ended cleanly and without rancor.

In the other instance, the evening ended with a platonic hug and we haven’t spoken since. I don’t feel ghosted and I hope she doesn’t either. In either case, neither one of us should. There was no action, implicit or otherwise, that indicated things were going further.

The common thread: no one likes emotional discomfort.

There is one common thread that covers all possible circumstances, from ghosting to overreaction and it’s this—the desire to avoid any sort of emotional discomfort. No one enjoys an exchange—even if it’s just an e-mail after one date—that ends something. No one enjoys seeing a promising correspondence just end and it’s easy to indulge oneself in a strong overreaction.

Living with the discomfort of ending a developing relationship, or of dealing with the reality that you didn’t have as much as you thought you had is genuinely painful. I feel confident in saying that I hate discomfort as much as the next person, but sometimes it simply has to be pushed through.

Prayerful discernment of every situation at each step in the journey brings clarity to the best way to handle something. I’ve offered some general principles based on my own experience, but every situation as different. A correspondence-only communication that went on for a year between an overseas couple is certainly different than five or six messages exchanged between someone else. It’s even different than a face-to-face date between a long-distance pair when someone is passing through town. Details matter.

What has to underlie every choice in how to end communication or how to react to an unexpected ending is a prayerful desire to do the will of God. If you need to be the one to end things, you’ll live through it. If you need to accept that your mind and emotions ran out ahead of the situation, you’ll live through that too. I’ve been through both and I’m still standing.