I Found Grace on CatholicMatch (And We're Not Dating)

Let me tell you about Grace. Not the “unmerited favor of God” kind of grace. I’m talking about my friend, Grace, who I met on CatholicMatch. We were both living in Los Angeles at the time, and she sent me a message. I responded, we chatted online, then decided to meet in person.

Immediately, we had so many things in common. It was a quick and natural friendship.

A few nights later, we met at a trendy coffee shop. We hit it off right away and had some great conversation. We were both committed Catholics. We had both suffered unwanted divorces. She had her marriage annulled and I was just starting to consider the annulment process. We had much in common and a lot to talk about.

Sure, at first we were both testing the waters to see if there might be a romantic spark. There was undoubtedly some mutual attraction, but there was also something else. It was a genuine connection that didn’t need romantic feelings to flourish. Ours was a bond that would bloom into a genuine friendship over the next few years.

The truth is, I wasn’t really ready to be in a romantic relationship yet, even though part of me would have liked that. I still had more healing to do from my divorce. I had more work to do before I’d be in a healthy enough place to date someone seriously. Also, my marriage had not been annulled and, as a Catholic, it was becoming increasingly important to me that this matter be settled before I formed an intimate bond with a new woman.

I wasn't ready to date after my divorce, but I was ready for new friends.

Grace and I started going to movies together. It was always relaxed and fun. I liked her company. We had long phone conversations about our faith, what it meant to us, and the struggles of living our values in a secular culture. She invited me to a young adult worship service at a local church, and we went out to eat afterward at a diner with her friends. I was meeting new people. Grace was opening up my world.

We didn’t talk every day, or even every week, but when Grace did call me on the phone, or when I asked her to meet for dinner, it was like we’d spent no time apart. We both went out on dates with other people we met on CatholicMatch or elsewhere. Later, we’d tell each other about our experiences.

Grace met a cute guy, but he turned out to be a bit extreme in his traditional expectations of male-female relationships. Apparently, he was too much of a “rad-trad” (radical traditionalist) for Grace. I went on a few dates with an attorney I met on CM, and we had a good time but ultimately our correspondence trickled to a stop. But losing touch with this woman didn’t feel like a big loss to me. And I could always call Grace to tell her about what I was going through. We felt safe sharing with each other.

Like in any other friendship, we both dated other people and shared the news with each other.

When Grace received her master’s degree, I attended the outdoor graduation ceremony on a campus off the Pacific Coast Highway. Her friendship was important, so I wanted to be there, especially because none of her close family would be able to make it. That night, Grace, myself, and her friends celebrated with cocktails on a hotel rooftop club in downtown L.A. A few weeks later, Grace moved to Washington state to pursue her career. I was sorry she wouldn’t be closer, but we said we’d keep in touch. We did.

Every few months, we chatted on the phone. When she visited L.A., we made it a point to get together and hang out. Eventually, Grace met a man in Washington and developed serious feelings for him. They became “official” and she shared the news with me. I was happy for her.

I gave her relationship advice. She was the first one I wanted to tell about my annulment. We pray for each other.

Months later, she called me to talk about some concerns she had about their relationship. I gave her my thoughts and perspective. She asked what was going on in my life, and she shared her advice with me. We prayed for each other. It felt good knowing we had each other’s backs.

Last year, when my annulment was finally granted, Grace was the first person I wanted to share the news with. She’d been through the same process and had encouraged me as I was going through mine. She related. I could hear in her voice that she was truly happy for me.

So can men and women just be friends? Absolutely.

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal famously argued that it’s impossible for men and women to ever be “just friends.” They will always be thinking about something more. I don’t agree.

Yes, “something more” may cross your mind from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. If that was true, when a man got married to his wife, he could never be friends with any other woman. And vice versa. Obviously, human beings are capable of being “just” friends with someone of the opposite sex.

Why do I share all this? Because I think we should try to be open to whatever God has for us, even if it’s not what we expected at first. Most people on CatholicMatch or any other dating site are probably hoping to find a mate. That’s a great thing.

But there are other gifts He can give us too. Like a true and special friend. If I never met anyone else on CatholicMatch, I did meet Grace. And that’s been worth it.

Editor's Note: CatholicMatch allows divorced members to use the site to build community until their marriages are annulled, at which time they can use the service for romantic purposes. As Chris mentions above he realized he should not be dating before his annulment: "as a Catholic, it was becoming increasingly important to me that this matter [my annulment] be settled before I formed an intimate bond with a new woman."