Don't Back Down: God Will Bring Good Out Of Divorce

One of the many sad events of 2017 was the loss of rock legend, Tom Petty. Petty’s music was the cinematic score for much of my late high school and young adult years and I had seen him multiple times in concert. But there was one particular song in his repertoire that will always have significant meaning for me, and that is, I Won’t Back Down.

Every time I hear that song, I remember this moment...

I will always have a strong personal connection to that song because of something that happened to me during my first marriage.

It was a Sunday evening back in 1991, and I was headed out to 5:30pm Mass at Saint Monica’s Church in Santa Monica. My husband, who was also Catholic but had stopped practicing after we had gotten married the year before, had gotten in the habit of criticizing me about practicing my faith and he was giving me a really hard time about going to Mass that evening. By the time I actually walked out the door and drove away, I was in tears. I didn’t understand what had happened to his faith, but I knew there was no way he would pull me away from mine.

And as I drove to church, Petty’s iconic song played on the radio and gave me strength.

Well, I won't back down,

No, I won't back down

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won't back down

No, I'll stand my ground

Won't be turned around

And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down

Gonna stand my ground

And I won't back down

My marriage would end in a devastating divorce two years later.

What happens to the spouse who doesn't want a divorce?

In the gospel of Matthew, chapter 19, we read how plainly Jesus taught against divorce, emphasizing that marriage is meant to be permanent. I fought hard to save my marriage despite how unhappy things had gotten, because I believed in that permanency Jesus taught. But the no-fault divorce laws will always guarantee—as it did in my case—that if one spouse wants the divorce, it will happen.

So, where does this leave all those spouses who didn’t want to divorce? They are left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and rebuild. But that’s actually just the simple answer. How to rebuild is quite another story.

How to rebuild after divorce: start with gratitude.

In the years since my divorce, there have been many good books and programs coming forth that one can refer to for help, but back in the day I found no such resource. I had to bootstrap my way back to emotional and spiritual health. Oddly enough, one of the most powerful tools I found to help me was in practicing the virtue of gratitude.

It can be terribly difficult to find anything to be thankful for after divorce, and admittedly, I was so depressed and discouraged when I thought of trying to be thankful, that I had to begin with the most basic elements. I started with being grateful I had woken up that morning and that I could breathe. I could see. I could walk. Those were definitely things to be thankful for. And that’s what I started with, just being grateful for those basic, simple gifts from God.

As time went by, I was able to look around me and see more and more things to be grateful for until one day, my eyes were opened to something that I was actually extremely grateful for, but had been absolutely unthinkable up to that point because it was a blessing that had happened because of my divorce…I was finally free to practice my Catholic faith in peace.

No more taunting and teasing, no more sarcasm and snide remarks. No more making me feel like a loser for going to church. I was free to be as Catholic as I wanted to be!

Ultimately and always, God will bring good out of the bad.

Divorce is not what God intended for marriage and if I could change the laws that make it so easy to destroy families I would do it in a heartbeat. But since I can’t, and since there are many, many people struggling the way I did so many years ago, I offer encouragement in the fact that God will bring good out of the bad situations.

Romans 8:28 assures us God will do this, and it may happen in the strangest of ways, just as it did for me. If you are struggling with rebuilding your life, start making a list of things you are grateful for and see how your eyes will be opened to the amazing graces God gives you, despite your divorce.