5 Things Everyone Who Has Lost a Spouse Should Do Before Dating Again

When I lost my wife to cancer, the last thing on my mind was the thought of dating again.

Correction, it was not the last thing on my mind; it was NEVER on my mind. I knew in my heart I would never marry again. I simply had no interest, no desire, none, nada! When an acquaintance lost his wife about the same time and remarried just six months later, I was shocked. I was still grieving. How could anyone think about getting married again? 

Yet, it wasn’t long before friends started to inquire, “Have you thought about dating again?” “Have you considered getting married again?” My answers were an emphatic “NO” and “NO.”

My reasoning was simple. I was a contented sixty-year-old. My thirty-eight-year marriage to my high school sweetheart was all I had dreamed marriage would be. I was blessed with five amazing children. And my first grandchild was on the way (I would have eight over the next six years). I was active in my parish, and I planned to retire at sixty-five. My life was full and meaningful. I reasoned I did not need to be married to be content.

Ironically, having that attitude freed me to be open to new possibilities.

I never felt pressured to remarry in order to be happy. My contentment, there’s that word again, rested on my faith in Christ. My grief experience had only deepened my faith. My focus for the remainder of my life would be on pursuing a life of significance and service.

A few years later, when I did consider dating again, I did so in complete freedom. I felt zero pressure to find a soul mate. But I opened the door to allow God to bring someone into my life should that be part of His plan. And CatholicMatch became a vehicle for that openness.

To my shock and surprise, I DID FIND LOVE AGAIN. Six years later, I met Patrice on CatholicMatch, and a year later, we married. As we approach our fifth wedding anniversary, I thought I’d share a few thoughts about what any widowed spouse should do before dating again.

1. Consider Counseling.

In the aftermath of loss, you need to re-discover who you are. You’ve had experiences and relationships that have brought about your personal growth during the course of your previous marriage. Knowing more about yourself can be a key to moving forward. Prayer, discernment, and counseling can help you on this journey.

Dealing with grief is one of the most challenging emotional seasons of your life. Seeking counseling from a trained professional, a Spiritual Director, or your pastor will help you process your grief and discern when or if you ever consider marriage again. 

Avoid the silent solitude and darkness. Yes, you need, for a period of time, some alone time. But at some point, open up and discuss your grief. It will help you move on with your life in whatever direction that may be. Your late spouse would not want you to lock yourself away. There is a reason the Bible says in Ecclesiastes, “There is an appointed time for everything…a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

Just remember, mourning should not last forever.

2. Decide if Faith Will Play a Role.

Is your faith important to you? Do you want to marry someone who shares that same faith—with the same degree of interest and commitment? My first date after losing my wife occurred over three years after my loss. The lady was a former Catholic who was now a Southern Baptist. We hit it off, and I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. She was an incredible woman of faith. But we both soon realized that if our relationship turned romantic, we would have to face the “faith” question. We agreed that neither of us intended to leave our current faith community, so we respectfully parted ways.

I soon discovered CatholicMatch as the perfect place to explore shared faith dating options. As I reviewed various profiles, I paid particular attention to the role that faith played in the lives of each woman. I prayed and hoped that should I ever marry again, it would be with someone whose faith enriched me as much as my faith would enrich her. 

I didn’t just want to marry another Catholic. I wanted someone who would help me grow in my relationship with Jesus Christ.

3. Get the Blessing of Your Children to Start Dating Again.

If you have children, no matter their ages, their lives will be impacted by another person in the life of their widowed parent. Explain your reasons for dating and ask for their blessing. You might be surprised at the encouraging response and the advice given. 

In my case, it was my children who initiated the dating conversation. My three daughters nudged, or rather shoved, me into the dating world. “Dad, you are a nice guy, and you are too young to be alone. It’s ok with us if you start dating.” Their only rule—I couldn’t date anyone younger than them!

When I joined CatholicMatch, one of my daughters suggested I speak with her best friend about her experiences on a dating app. Talk about awkward. Here I was, a sixty-five-year-old male who hadn’t dated anyone other than his wife since Lyndon Johnson was President, getting dating tips from a thirty-something single woman. Don’t laugh, her advice proved very helpful.

4. Take Your Wedding Ring Off.

This act is more challenging for some of us than anyone can imagine. That ring, a symbol of your lifelong love and marriage, has been a fixture on your finger for decades. Removing it makes one feel, well, feel naked. Why bother, you say to yourself, I’ll just leave it on.

Yes, continuing to wear the ring can be a small way of honoring your late spouse, an ongoing act of faithfulness—even after death did us part. But removing the ring can also be an act of acceptance of the widowed state in which you now find yourself. It took me a while, but I finally did remove my wedding band. 

I recall a dear friend who had lost his first wife at a young age recounting his story. Friends had finally persuaded him to join them at a restaurant bar for dinner. These friends nudged him out of his seat to approach a lady and invite her to dance. The lady politely refused his invitation, and he returned, somewhat embarrassed by her rejection. That was, until his friend said, “John, next time you ask a woman to dance, I suggest you take your wedding ring off.” 

Long before I ever started dating, I took my ring off. For me, it was an act of closure. Besides, memories are something death can never take away.

5. Decide What Your Goal Is—Marriage or Friendship?

Some of us seniors are only looking for companionship—someone to enjoy a dinner out, join you for a movie, or be a plus one at a special event. You hate to go places alone and prefer to enjoy the company of a friend of the opposite sex. If that is all you want or need, just be clear with your companion about your expectations. Ahem, no friends with benefits either! Sex outside of marriage is wrong, and no “friendship” relationship should include that as part of the friendship package.

If, on the other hand, you are dating with marriage in mind, your time spent with your date allows you to get to know that person and discern whether a future together is possible.

My current wife will tell you that her initial foray into the CatholicMatch dating world was meant to be as friends only. After meeting me and going out on a few dates, she recognized that I approached our time together as “dates.” Yes, there was some initial confusion. Fortunately for me, she found herself attracted to this new man in her life, and her friendship-only goal soon dissolved.

Looking back, I recall laughing at myself when I finally decided to consider dating again.

Here I was, a successful, active, faithful, sixty-something male acting like a nervous teenager on his first date. I soon relaxed and turned over my dating life to the Lord. I sought to respect every woman I contacted whether it be just an online conversation, a phone call, or a face-to-face date.

If love was found again, I would rejoice. If a new love was not in God’s will, I would still rejoice, for my contentment was, and remains, in Him.