Seeking Change In 2018: Is the Annulment Process for You?

Anyone who goes through a divorce is faced at some point with the necessity of finding a way to start over again and build a new future for themselves. I came face-to-face with this reality back in the mid 1990's and realized quickly that the hard part of all this was knowing where to begin.

After getting myself through those first few horrible years of overwhelming pain—pain that was so intense it felt like I should have died because of it—I began to wonder about the annulment process and whether or not it was right for me. I was thirty-two years old at the time, and although my preference was to reconcile with my husband and remain married, that was not an option since my ex-spouse had re-married.

Looking ahead to the future, I knew I needed to do something different so I could start moving forward in a positive direction. The idea of being alone for the rest of my life seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. I was confident my vocation in life was to marriage, so I decided it would be a good idea to look into the annulment process after all.

My biggest hang-up

My big hang-up with the annulment process was that I had this nagging feeling something wasn’t quite right. How could it be that I stood before God, family, and friends the day we got married and pledged my life to my husband, for better or for worse, but suddenly the Catholic Church could just dissolve those vows? Something just wasn't sitting right with me. I was convinced there had to be more to it than that. It seemed so easy—too easy—for something that was supposed to last forever to be suddenly over because someone said so.

So I spoke with the priest who was counseling me at the time and laid my questions out for him to answer. I was so glad I did, because he gave me some solid, concrete information.

Just the facts, ma'am

First, and probably most important was the clarification that the annulment process does not dissolve a valid marriage bond, it simply detects whether or not there was one to begin with. So there's no dissolving, erasing, cancelling, etc. You either had it or you didn't.

I had assumed that just standing at the altar and taking those vows was all it took to have a "valid" marriage, but it was also explained that in order to bring a valid marriage into being, a couple must have:

• complete freedom to give themselves to each other,
• proper understanding and intention to create a permanent, exclusive relationship that is open to life (unitive and procreative aspects),
• a priest or deacon as a witness, and
• consummation of the marriage.

Any deviation from these aspects are considered impediments to bringing a valid marriage into being.

He further explained that the goal of the annulment process is to provide clarity and healing, which in the end, was definitely something I experienced. How so? Well, I had to face the truth of what happened in a very direct way through writing out the answers to all the questions that were asked. This enabled me to see all the mistakes both of us had made, which in turn made a huge difference in the way I approached dating after I received my decree of invalidity. I was able to make peace with the past, which played a huge role in my ability to work on forgiveness for all the people who contributed to the demise of my marriage, especially my ex-spouse. Then finally, I was able to close that chapter of my life and start moving forward.

It was rough going, and very emotional, but worth it.

I must admit, writing out essay answers to very personal questions was difficult. In fact, I had to set aside time to do this when no one was around because it would always make me extremely emotional. But the crazy thing was that in doing so, I found deep healing. Yes, it was like combing through it all with a fine-toothed comb. Painful, but medicinal, no doubt about it.

If you are apprehensive about going through the annulment process I can certainly understand why, and I share this story with you with the hopes that my experience can help calm some of your fears and give you encouragement to get through the process and start moving forward in a positive direction in 2018.