10 Ways You Can Help Someone Who Is Suffering Through Divorce
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Most of the time, friends are unsure how to help during divorce.
Divorce is a terribly lonely and alienating experience, and people who go through it need compassion and care. But, it can be extremely frustrating trying to figure out what “helping” looks like. Friends and loved ones who try to help often offer well-meaning and seemingly positive advice that ends up sounding awkward and insensitive to the one who’s divorced instead. For example, after my divorce, I often heard people say:
Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone new!
Remember, everything happens for a reason.
It’s been six months now, it’s time to move on!
Stop crying and go find a man who will treat you like the princess you are!
You’ll be okay, God has a plan!
I knew these statements were intended to help me feel better, but they didn’t have that effect at all. The bigger problem was I didn’t know how to articulate to others what kind of support would actually help me.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Over the years since my divorce, I’ve been able to better understand where the problem lies and I describe it like this:
People often equate divorce with losing a spouse through death, and there are some similarities. But, when someone is widowed, the community descends upon him or her with flowers, meals, visits, etc., showering the surviving spouse with attention and compassion. This is very good and it should happen. But divorced people rarely, if ever, receive this sort of treatment as they set out trying to pick up the pieces.
A divorced person has to deal with rejection on many, many levels: the rejection of the spouse who leaves; many times, the rejection of neighbors and friends who feel too awkward to continue the friendship; the rejection of the in-laws; the rejection of their own children (a very unfortunate, yet very common, occurrence).
The losses that follow compound this feeling of rejection: losing a home or other possessions; losing parental rights over children; losing human touch on a daily basis (no hugs to wake up to, no goodnight kisses); losing your marital status.
But in the face of all this personal devastation, life still goes on.
Bills still have to be paid. Kids still have to go to school. Responsibilities still have to be met. And the divorced person is expected to put on a smile and keep going as if nothing has happened. It makes sense that having someone who truly cares, takes a personal interest, and takes time out of his or her day to check in and see if everything is all right is so very important and meaningful.
Here are 10 things you can do to offer support to someone you know who is divorced in a truly positive and meaningful way:
- Don’t offer advice, just listen and offer a hug instead of words. It’s not necessary to have pearls of wisdom.
- Say things like, “I’m here for you, if you need me,” and then, really be there when they need you. This might mean they’ll show up on your doorstep out of the blue one day, or possibly you’ll receive a desperate call at 2 a.m. (I’ve had to make a few of those), and it might be inconvenient or even irritating for you. But for that suffering person to know that when things seem overwhelming or hopeless, there is an anchor somewhere, someone who wants to help—that means the world.
- Keep their business private.
- Check in every few days or so to see how they’re doing. This offers a lifeline to anyone who is feeling depressed and discouraged.
- Be patient with their displays of emotion, fits of tears, or harsh words and know you are not the source of their anger.
- Offer to bring a meal. Always a comfort for someone who is struggling.
- Offer to take the kids so he or she can have some alone time. Many parents don’t have time to do the important work of grieving, and doing this can be a major help.
- Invite them to come along with you to Mass, confession, shopping, for a day trip, etc. Even if they decline, the invitation means a lot.
- Pray for them.
- Remind them how important they are to you and to others. Affirm their self-worth.
You may not see the significance in these recommendations, but I guarantee you they mean the world to someone suffering because of divorce.
Just as the Good Samaritan crossed over to the other side of the road to care for the bloody, beaten man whom everyone ignored, being there for someone going through a divorce is so important. Caring for each other, nursing hurts, binding wounds—it’s all what Jesus does for us. Let us treat those we know who are divorced with the same sense of charity and dignity.
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