What to Do When Your Friend is Being an Idiot

We’ve all been in this situation. You have a close friend who, for one reason or another, is making an enormous, idiotic mistake, and despite your protests, keeps skipping toward failure, unhappiness, or disaster. And what’s worse is that these decisions usually involve some sort of romantic relationship, and you’re worried your friend is blinded by lust or love. What do you do?

I have very often been the idiot friend making terrible life-choices. So I want to start by telling you a story about when I made a questionable life choice....

I was 18 years old and heading across the country to college. I was a mix of nervousness, fear, and excitement. Who would I meet? Who would I become? Would I like my classes? Did I choose the right major? Will I get homesick? Will I like my roommate? All of these questions, and more, flashed through my head over and over again as the first day of college loomed. I remember that even on the plane, looking down as my hometown grew smaller and smaller in the oval window, I felt a deep sadness and homesickness. But I wasn’t (too) sad about leaving my parents or siblings—I was itching to be free of my parents’ rules. No, I was sad and missing….a boy I had met just weeks before leaving for college.

He was older and so cute and came from a good family and best of all, was interested in me! The problem was that I was literally weeks away from leaving for college for four long years.

The obvious, sensible thing to do would have been to say, “It’s been fun hanging out. I hope I see you whenever I’m back in town!” And wash my hands of the whole thing and move on down the road to my future. Because hello, of course, you don’t need to start a new relationship with an older guy who will tie you down moments before starting out on a new, significant part of your life.

I’m sure you can see where this is going.

I totally started dating him. We kept in touch over the fall semester, and bada-bing-bada-boom, we were officially dating by Christmas. I was so terribly blinded by love, lust, fear, attachment, comfort—you name it—and, to no one's surprise, it didn’t work out! 

Looking back, it was a great relationship in the sense I learned a lot about myself, about dating, communication, and boundaries. But it also impacted my life in college a lot—I was super homesick, missed him all the time, hesitated to make new friends, adjusted my schedule so we could talk on the phone. It wasn’t great. Basically, I was a total idiot for ever jumping into this relationship that manifested at the wrong time. And all my friends told me so ahead of time.

Haven’t we all been this person too? The idiot friend? Of course. What do we do? What advice do you wish you could have given yourself before you made a terrible life choice? Here are some of the things I wished my parents and friends had said (or even if they did, I wish I had had ears to hear…).

1. Pray for them.

Your friend is almost certainly conflicted. On the one hand, they may be madly in love, desperate to be with someone, or hurting from the sting of an ended relationship. So, they want to make some idiotic decision that they think might help. But then! You, and hopefully others, are saying to them, “No! Stop! Don’t be an idiot.” What do they do? They are tangling with their own complex emotions, external pressure, and advice of probably too many people. They need your prayers.

They need to have someone (you!) praying for them and their situation, whatever it is, and to have someone spiritually in their side of the ring. You don’t have to agree with their decision (and you probably don’t), but you should definitely be praying for them.

Often, and especially if the situation is serious, like a marriage breakdown, unexpected pregnancy, or alcohol or drug use, your idiot friend is not praying for herself. So be an intercessor for her.

After all, at the end of the day, it’s only God who will ultimately get through to your friend. Maybe He will use you to get through to her. But He’s the only One who can really help her make a better decision. Which leads to...

2. Remember, you aren’t responsible for your friend’s choices.

It can be so hard to sit back and watch your friend make a terrible, questionable life decision. To date someone you completely disagree with, to move-in together, to break-up a perfectly good relationship out of fear. It’s so hard. I’m sure my parents wanted to strangle me when I announced I’d be starting a long-distance relationship my freshman year of college.

But they didn’t! And they couldn’t stop me anyways. Once we become adults, we are only responsible for our own actions and decisions.

This cuts two ways. First, if you are being an idiot, know that you’ll ultimately be responsible for your actions and decisions and whatever consequences that brings. Second, if you’re the friend watching someone you love spiral out of control, don’t be too hard on yourself—you aren’t (and can’t be) in charge of their life or their decisions. God is the only one who can really change a person’s heart. Offer it to Him.

3. Practice fraternal correction with charity.

So you’ve prayed for your friend. And you are sufficiently removed enough emotionally to not feel responsible for them—you can speak to them with a cool head. So it may be time for some fraternal correction. Fraternal correction is speaking one-on-one, with love, to a brother and sister in Christ, about their actions or decisions and explaining to them why they are making a mistake.

First, consider; why do you want to speak to your friend? If your answer is, “Because I’m right and he’s wrong!” go back to steps one and two first.

But if your answer is, “Because I love him and want the best for him,” then you are ready to have a frank and charitable conversation with him. St. Thomas Aquinas explains that acts of fraternal correction are acts of justice, prudence, and charity. So strive in your conversation to be just and fair—give your friend the benefit of the doubt and let him say his piece. Be prudent: What arguments will be effective? What will your friend be open to hearing? Are you overstepping? And most of all, be charitable—do all of this with love for his soul and because you want the best for him! Speak kindly, gently, and with love to your friend.

He or she might be acting like a total, complete idiot and making a terrible decision, but remember—God will never stop loving them, will never leave them, and will always welcome them back. Can you do the same?