Why Go Through the Annulment Process?
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I’ll never forget that warm June day back in 1997 when I opened my mailbox and saw a letter from the Diocese of Bridgeport, CT sitting inside. It was the letter that carried the decision in the second instance of my annulment process, and it alone would determine what my new direction in life would be. Would it announce that my marriage was indeed valid and I would be bound to my ex-spouse until one of us died? Or, would it declare there was never a valid bond and I was free to marry again in the Church?
I stood and stared at it for a minute before I reached in. Although I had waited two years for this day to come, I was hesitant to open this letter because I knew the decision that would be revealed in the unfolding of the paper would change the rest of my life.
Several minutes later, I stared out my kitchen window with a bittersweet feeling inside. The Archdiocese of Hartford confirmed the tribunal’s first decision: A valid marriage bond never existed, and I was free to marry in the Church.
The Benefits of the Annulment Process
This was not a “jump for joy” moment for me because I never wanted to divorce in the first place. Despite all the betrayal and pain that had occurred, I would have stayed married. But still, there was a sense of relief that flooded my heart, a soothing, healing feeling. That terrible period in my life had finally come to an end. I had the closure I needed and I had a firm direction to head in, so now I could move forward as a whole person.
These are the "benefits" of going through the annulment process; closure, healing, and being given a definitive direction in which to proceed. These things are difficult to impress upon skeptics of the annulment process at times, but important to bring to light because of the many misunderstandings that surround the annulment process these days.
Before I went through it, I didn't understand the what it was all and I had a ton of questions, myself. I receive many emails from people who are now in that same boat, sincerely seeking answers so they can make sense of it all. Here is an excerpt from one such email:
I hope this is not a dumb question, but I am divorced and have not done the annulment process. What is wrong with just being divorced vs going thru all the paper work and dealing with the annulment?... I hope God still loves me after my marriage failed. I hope that someday I find real love again, as I've been looking at blogs about this issue. - Anonymous
For anonymous and anyone else who may be wondering about these same questions, here are some answers I hope you will find helpful:
- The annulment process is not merely a legality.
The annulment process is much more than simply an administrative process or legal proceeding, it is a tool for healing and a way for the Church to determine whether or not you and your ex-spouse had a valid marriage. "Valid" does not mean you didn't have a marriage relationship, because of course, you did. You lived in a house as husband and wife, had children, a dog, etc. The question of validity lies with the spiritual/sacramental bond of marriage. Was there an unbreakable covenant between God and the spouses that cannot be dissolved by anthing other than death? This is what is meant by "valid."
Pope Francis described this perfectly in Amoris Laetitia:
The sacrament of marriage is not a social convention, an empty ritual or merely the outward sign of a commitment. The sacrament is a gift given for the sanctification and salvation of the spouses, since “their mutual belonging is a real representation, through the sacramental sign, of the same relationship between Christ and the Church…
In accepting each other, and with Christ’s grace, the engaged couple promise each other total self-giving, faithfulness and openness to new life. The couple recognizes these elements as constitutive of marriage, gifts offered to them by God, and take seriously their mutual commitment, in God’s name and in the presence of the Church (AL 72-73).
So, because marriage is supposed to be much more than an empty ritual or just an outward sign of commitment, so the annulment process is much more than an administrative process.
3. God loves you no matter what.
He does not want us to sin and we should work every day on being better and moving away from sin. But God is never ashamed of you, and because of your separation or divorce, He is closer to you now than ever. God wants you to come to Him with your pain, your burdens and let him give you peace.
I encourage anyone who may be staying away from the annulment process because of confusion to make an appointment with a knowledgeable priest to discuss your situation with him and get answers to your questions. If you are dating without an annulment, this is especially important.
Stay tuned next week, as my book A Road to Healing: Daily Reflections for Divorced Catholics becomes available for purchase. I compiled 365 reflections as I sat with Our Lord in adoration, and I believe God has a message of hope, strength, and healing in them for you.
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