In a Challenging Relationship, Are You More a Boromir or Aragorn?

Marriage doesn’t guarantee both spouses will be equal givers for life.

Sometimes one of the spouses needs a lot more support than the other. Outstanding needs like health troubles, especially Alzheimer’s or dementia, can be common concerns for people in middle to senior age. College debt and growing unemployment can create serious financial need in younger couples. Mental health struggles like depression can produce emotional troubles. Any number of things can suddenly create an unforeseen need in a relationship.

But what if you’re not married yet, and one of you is already in great need?

Of course you don’t want to write off the person just because they’re struggling. But you don’t know whether you should stay or go, since your future together is so unsure. Where’s a crystal ball when you need one?

My advice is: give up on predicting the future. Instead, learn the most important thing about navigating relationships with outstanding needs: know the proper mentalities both of you should have.

What does it mean? I like to use classic J.R.R Tolkien characters to illustrate:

First, consider the role of the person in need: are they a Samwise or a Gollum?

People who are in serious need often see themselves as either a helper or a victim, or as I like to see it, as a Samwise or a Gollum. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with The Lord of the Rings series, Samwise is the loyal companion of the main character Frodo, who has to carry the ring to Mordor. Gollum is their guide who has been corrupted by the evil Ring of Power.)

Is your significant other actively trying to be the best he can be, or has he given up on everything? Is this person doing her best to support herself despite hardship, or does she push responsibility onto others?

Samwises experience incredible hardship, but never let it ruin their faith or hope. For some people, being a Samwise might mean determinedly holding down a disliked job until a better opportunity arrives. For others, it might be as simple as showering every day. This person does his best with what he has, whatever that looks like. 

On the other hand, a Gollum who experiences hardship lets it destroy their hope and their identity.

Gollums will play the victim card and push his responsibility onto the shoulders of others. Gollums might blame money problems on their wife, who bought a new purse as well as all the groceries last week. They might say it’s your fault he didn’t brush their teeth, because you didn’t remind him. Gollums will let their need control their lives because they don’t believe they can change anything.

Second, consider the role of the significant other: do they act more like Boromir or Aragorn?

People who care-take often see themselves as either as saving angels or human servants, or as I like to think of it, as Boromir's or Aragorn's. (Boromir is a royal soldier from the land of Gondor who wants to use the Ring to save the world. Aragorn is the rightful king of Gondor who wants to destroy the Ring and vanquish its demon owner.)

Boromirs love to attack the challenge head-on and give everything they’ve got, even at the expense of their own needs—just as this character did in Fellowship Of The Ring. But playing savior comes with two problems.

First, it’s easy for a Gollum to take advantage of them, and they will have trouble leaving someone who is a user. Secondly, a Boromir often sets herself up for burnout because in the end, she can’t control the situation. Though the energy and love he can give is admirable, taking full responsibility for something he can’t control will soon make a Boromir feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and guilty.

On the other hand, an Aragorn is also responsible and helpful. But the difference is that an Aragorn knows he’s only human, and that he’s not the one who will “make or break” the situation.

An Aragorn takes time to address her own needs too, and makes sure to set up sustainability. Remember how Aragorn seeks out a variety of armies to fight for Gondor in the The Return Of the King? In a relationship with outstanding needs, an Aragorn will accept help from a support system, knowing he can’t do it alone, and be able to build a sustainable future for himself and his beloved.

You have the power to be either personality: who will you choose to be?

The actual level of need has little influence on whether a relationship will succeed or fail. This depends mostly on how both parties choose to react to the situation.

Obviously, we all have a little of each character in ourselves. What makes or breaks the situation is what people choose to do.

The combination that bodes the best here is a Samwise and an Aragorn. People who are Gollums or Boromirs can make it work, too, but usually they have to go through significant mindset switches and learn how to act and think more like Samwises and Aragorns.

So there you have it: a basic framework that can help you gauge whether an outstanding need will destroy your relationship or make it stronger. What you choose to do with this information is totally up to you—I don’t pretend to know the details of your situation or whether your relationship will go back to normal. Like I said, marriage doesn’t guarantee that spouses will be equal givers all the time.

But God gives us struggles that are unique to our own journeys. Your marriage will not look the same as your parents’ or your friends’ marriages. My journey is not identical to yours. And in the end, that’s what makes every marriage and relationship beautiful in its own way. All the differences and quirks, needs and trials, give us all the opportunity to be better people and better Christians.