Once You Find Someone with This Trait—Stop Looking

I think I’m kind of a marriage expert.

Granted, I have never actually been married myself. But I have spent a whole lot of time—significantly more than most—observing other peoples’ marriages.

Like everyone else, I am surrounded by married friends and family members. But, unlike everybody else, I have spent my life in not one but two careers that placed me directly in the path of other people’s wedded bliss, or lack thereof.  First of all, I have spent a good part of my adult life speaking and writing about marriage and family issues, which has meant that people—LOTS of people—have come to me with questions about marriage, and how to handle issues in their own marriages.

And, when I’m not speaking or writing on marriage, I’m selling real estate. Which basically places me right in the middle of married couples’ lives while they are navigating one of the more stressful experiences of family life—buying or selling a house.

So yeah, I’ve seen a lot of marriages.

Healthy marriages, troubled marriages, unconventional marriages, marriages on the brink. The whole gamut.

And I’ve seen a lot of what works, and what doesn’t work.  What traits are conducive to wedded bliss, and what traits get in the way.  And, as someone who is single and works with singles, I have given a lot of thought to what traits dating singles should look for in a potential spouse.

And so, after years of observation and thought, I have decided what I believe to be the one, single, most important trait to look for in a potential spouse.  The one that you shouldn’t sacrifice or compromise on, no matter how cute or funny or charming—or Catholic—your prospect may be.

That trait is this:  the ability and willingness to sacrifice his or her own desires for the sake of someone else.

What?? you are all saying?  What about Catholic?  Isn’t the most important trait a shared faith?? Isn’t that why we’re all here?

Well yes, shared values are crucially important. And that is why we are all here. But I am tired of seeing marriages blow up because one of the “Catholics” in the partnership was a narcissistic jerk who just happened to be really good at acting religious.

Self-gift is the essence of marriage.

And self-gift means self sacrifice. It means giving up what I want for what my spouse—or my kids—need.  It means laying down my entire life, if necessary, for the sake of my family.

In an ideal world, of course, “Catholic” and “unselfish” would be synonymous terms.  After all, we are following the Christ who laid down his life for his bride, the Church.  And we are called to imitate that. So the good Catholic spouse would be unselfish by definition. But, we all know that isn’t necessarily the case. Unredeemed human nature is selfish.  Faith is supposed to root that selfishness out. But our mileage varies.

Nearly everybody goes into marriage with a mix of motives—some based on what they will get. More sex. Less loneliness. More social status.

But what they’re going to find are countless, countless opportunities to give of themselves—to exercise unselfishness at a level they probably weren’t called to in their carefree single days. Giving up “me” time for family time. Giving up career goals or lifestyle dreams because they don’t fit in with what is best for the others. Losing sleep with a sick child.  Spending money on school tuition and family vacations instead of nice clothes or a slick new car.

The examples go on. And on. And on.

And it’s their ability to step up to that task that will—to a large extent—determine the success or failure of their marriage.

We are all selfish to a certain extent. And marriage is a wonderful institution for rooting it out. But you have to have someone who is inclined to allow it to be rooted out. That’s going to be the person who had already made some progress down that road.

Marriage isn’t going to take a self-absorbed narcissist—even one who claims to be Catholic—and turn him or her into a paragon of self giving.

So yes, look for someone who shares your faith.

But take it further—look for someone who embodies your faith. Who loves with the love of Christ. Who, in big and little ways, consistently demonstrates the ability to sacrifice for the sake of another. Not just for you, but for everyone.

I was going to say “and then marry that person.”  But of course, there’s one more step. You’ve got to be worthy of that person. Which means rooting out your own selfishness, and embodying your own faith.

The best marriages I see are between two people who each know how to put each other—and their family—ahead of their own desires.

Strive for that.