When Should You Say "I Love You"?

Well, do you love them?

I’ll assume the answer to that question is yes, since you’re here. But just because the answer to that question is “yes” doesn’t mean you need to say it right now. There are a few things to consider before you say “I love you” for the first time.

Here are four:

Have you said it too soon before?

Think back to your previous relationships. Have you said “I love you” before? Was it too soon? This can help you figure it out...

If you’ve said “I Love You” too soon once before (or maybe multiple times) it’s probably a good idea to wait. That’s a good sign you might not have a good grasp on what it is like to love someone.

Maybe you confuse an excited feeling for love. It’s easy to get those wires crossed in our brain. Maybe you confuse desiring and being desired as love. Maybe you love an aspect of that person, but not the person themselves. You might love a way they make you feel or a quality about them. None of these are real love.

If you think you get confused over what love is, talk to friends who know you well. Friends are great third parties because they know you but can be objective because they aren’t infatuated with the person you’re dating.

Also try talking it over with some friends that are in a loving long-term relationship. They can describe their experience of love early in the relationship and you can see if it matches your current experiences.

Do they have obvious flaws?

This might seem like a strange question, but if you answered yes then it’s a good sign. If you can see someone’s flaws, then what you feel for them could be love.

Everyone has flaws, but sometimes infatuation can blind you to them. If you can see someone’s flaws and love them anyway, it probably means the love is authentic. Also, if you’ve seen their flaws, they’re probably aware of that. This will make it even more meaningful when you say I love you.

I will add some caution, though. Love doesn’t ignore flaws. Sometimes our infatuated brains see a red flag and choose to ignore it because we want something (usually physical). If you find yourself saying “I can live with that flaw as long as I get X” you probably don’t love them.

One day, X might be gone. Would you stay? If yes, then it’s love.

Do you see a future with them?

This is not the same question as “Do you want to marry them?” Loving someone is a prerequisite for marrying them, so it doesn’t make sense for them to be the same question. This question is asking if you want to be dating this person in the future. If you can’t see the relationship lasting at least that long, you probably don’t love them.

If you answer this question with a time limit like, “I can see us breaking up in a year,” you probably don’t love them.

Love is not temporary. It doesn’t put a time limit on itself. Early love in a dating relationship doesn’t need to be the strong, permanent love required for marriage, but it at least needs to be strong enough to be indefinite.

Will they say it back?

If you think the answer is yes, go ahead. It is not strictly necessary to be sure someone will say “I love you” back for you to say it to them, but it is worth considering for two reasons.

First of all, you should consider how you’ll handle it if they don’t. If you truly love them, you’re probably going to be hurt if they don’t love you, too. (Millions of sad songs have been written about this exact thing.) You need to think about how you’ll react if they don’t say it back.

Second, if you think they won’t say it back, consider how they will react when you say it. Will it make them uncomfortable? Will it make them want to break up with you? Will they feel pressure to say it back? If so, make preparations to make it easier on them. Find ways to make them comfortable before you say it. Be clear you don’t expect them to say it back.

Saying “I love you” is an incredible step in a relationship. It’s scary and exciting, but if you’ve put in the proper discernment beforehand, there’s nothing to worry about.