When Your Type is Emotionally Unstable Men

We all have a ‘type.’ Even if you claim you don’t and are open-minded, I’ll bet you are continually attracted to a certain kind of guy, even if it’s beyond your immediate awareness.

Having a "type" goes beyond just physical attributes.

It took my own experience to realize that our ‘type’ of guy can go so far beyond physical attributes. Though I’ll admit, I’ve always swooned over Gilbert Blythe in Anne of Green Gables and perpetually have to keep my fantasy of a tall-dark-and-handsome man in check, I’ve prided myself on my ‘openness’ to any type of guy: brown, blonde, or red hair, stocky or lean, athlete or musician, different nationalities, coming in a variety of heights.

I’ve gone on dates with them all and continually challenge myself not to let a guy’s appearance become a deal-breaker (as I realize that I don’t score a perfect 10 in the looks department either).

Looking back at the men I’ve dated, and being open to honest feedback from my good friends as well as delving into some serious self-reflection, I’ve realized that I indeed have a ‘type.’ Is it physical? Apart from Gilbert Blythe, no! So what is it?

Much to my dismay, my type is men who need me to save them.

I am attracted to men who are emotionally unstable (this is where my Gilbert Blythe fantasy splits). "Why oh why?" you may ask—because in being with emotionally unstable men, it fills my own insecurity of needing to be needed.

If you’re unstable, then I can take care of you. If you have continual mood swings, it gives me a full-time job in being there to join you during the highs and catch you on the lows, again, knowing that I am needed. And it’s not all bad, because ironically, emotionally unstable men are extremely in-touch with their emotions! They break the stereotype of a typical guy. What girl wouldn’t want to have long-emotionally intimate conversations with her man?

But I found that was coming at a cost, and it was my own emotional well-being. In having to always be the steady one, it didn’t allow me the space to be emotionally vulnerable (who knows how an emotionally unstable man is going to react?). I’d perpetually find myself feeling sorry for, wanting to take away any pain and hurt, and walking on egg-shells with the guys I was dating. “Well,” I reasoned, “this just must be how men are,” but I was so wrong. This is how a certain type of man is, and guess what? It was my type.

What happens when you realize "your type" isn't good for you?

Is being emotionally unstable a crime? No! Are these men un-dateable? No! But do they work for me? Absolutely not!

Realizing that I have been attracted to the kind of men that perpetuate my own insecurity, and by nature of who they are, strain and manipulate my sensitive heart, my relationships have been crashing-and burning (with a lot of great emotionally-charged conversations beforehand).

To use the classic line, as much as it has been them, it’s really not them, it’s me. I seek them out and choose them.

Figuring out your type might even reveal how you approach all of your relationships!

All of this came to light when I took the time to fully examine my own securities as they relate to all realms of life, not just dating. How do I function in my relationships with my family members, girlfriends, co-workers, and classmates?

By recognizing that I’m consistently the first to jump to meet another’s need (and feel extremely guilty if I can’t do so), I began to uncover this insecurity. I realized that it’s in what I do for others that I derive my worth.

But doesn’t God the Father promise us his love simply by nature as our existence as his sons and daughters? Didn’t he die on the cross for me? Just as I am today, regardless of any accolades or accomplishments?

True freedom and love comes from a relationship with mutual giving and taking.

In working to overcome this insecurity, I am no longer seeking to pacify it by the type of men I am dating. I have been challenged to believe that a man could want to date me simply because he thinks I’m great and he wants to, and not because I take care of him.

Being with this type of a man allows me to be free—I’m not seeking to heal his wounds, I’m with him because I admire him and not because I want to take away his pain. I can act as my authentic self without fear of a negative reaction. It’s allowed for a true relationship of mutual give and take.

There will inevitably been times where one person needs to lean more heavily on the other, but the relationship isn’t defined in a tilted slant. The crazy thing is that, as I have become more aware of what I need, my attraction has directly shifted and followed. By simply realizing it, I am not as attracted to the unstable guy, and do a double swoon when I see a Steady-Eddie cross my path. Sure, he may not be as initially exciting as the guy with crazy stories of all his woes and pour his heart out to me on the first and second dates, but I’m not emotionally responsible for him either.

Time has made me wise (at least, wiser than I was before), and by taking an honest inventory of my own insecurities, I was able to confront myself and reorient my compass when it comes to dating.

If you too have struggled with the consistent crash-and-burn type of relationships, I’d invite you to do the same; because you may be unknowingly pursuing a ‘type’ that is pointing you in the wrong direction.