When To Tell Your Date About Your Chronic Illness

My last article resonated with a lot of you and brought up a lot of great questions.

First off, thank you to those of you who messaged me and the CatholicMatch Institute with your stories and comments on my previous article, “Chronic Illness Doesn’t Have To Stop You From Dating.” We love hearing from you! This follow-up article is to answer a reader’s important question:

"When do you disclose your condition when you're online dating?" 

This has no easy answer. I think the only hard and fast rule here is that your significant other needs to know before you get married. That should be obvious. Barring that, there are a few guidelines you can use to determine when to talk about this.

Every chronic illness is different, so first consider the particularities of your own.

First, consider your illness. Some health problems present themselves regardless of your intentions. For instance, it’s really hard to hide your wheelchair or crutches from the world. Your dates will 100% notice.

There are also diseases that don’t have obvious symptoms, like a mild brain injury, diabetes, Celiac disease, or heart conditions. These can be really awkward to bring up out of the blue.

Then there’s a third level of chronic illness, which is both invisible and attached to social stigma. What if you have a sexually transmitted disease, deal with suicidal thoughts, have depression, or manage anger issues? The last thing you want to do is bring it up too soon, because you might get a flippant reaction or even a full-out rejection that leaves you hurt and desolate.

My advice is to take things in stages, using your specific illness as a guide.

If your illness is immediately visible...

If you’re the girl using crutches every day, don’t try to hide it on your profile. That will only create the image that you are insecure and secretive—not very helpful for dating. Your unique silver lining is that you don’t have to worry about when to bring up your illness. The instant visibility automatically “weeds out” anyone with unrealistic expectations. Your first dates might ask about it right away, or they might not. You can determine when to discuss it in-depth by your own comfort level and the circumstance.

If your illness isn't immediately visible but could affect a date...

If you’re the man who has a concussion or a heart condition, people probably won't know by viewing your profile unless you specifically mention it. You might decide to mention your health on the first in-person date, then explain it for real on dates three or four. Definitely talk about it if you and your date are planning something that could potentially harm you, like going to a flashy concert or running a marathon. Never sacrifice your health or safety for a date, and any good date would appreciate knowing so they don’t accidentally hurt you.

If your illness is invisible...

If you struggle with something invisible, misunderstood, or stigmatized, you probably won’t want to put it on your profile or talk about it on the first few dates. Don’t get me wrong—you certainly can, but most people aren’t comfortable with that level of openness. On the other extreme, definitely don’t wait until your proposal to drop a bomb.

Find a happy medium—once you’ve built some level of trust, you could mention your health without going into too much detail. If they ask about it too early or thoughtlessly, you can always say, “It’s hard for me to talk about and I don’t want to open up too soon; but don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll get there in the future.” This will tell your date their questions are appreciated, and you plan to explain soon. The kicker here is that you actually have to bring it up again, which is scary. But when you do, it won’t be the first time they’ve ever heard about it. They’ll already know it’s a sensitive topic, and they’ll be more likely to react with love and care.

Pay attention to how your date responds, manage your own expectations, and take heart! Most people want to learn more and help.

These guidelines are not completely foolproof. Odds are, you’ve been burned in the past. You’ve likely heard, “But you don’t look sick...” or, “You act fine, so you must be doing better.” (Side note: NEVER say these things to someone who’s opened up to you about illness. It’s a surefire way to burn every bridge and probably the boat, too.) Not everyone takes hearing about your illness well. But the good news is, that’s a helpful gauge, since their reaction will tell you whether or not you’re a good fit as a couple. You don’t want someone who will run at the first whiff of hardship.

Also, take a look in the mirror—are you expecting your date to react perfectly, accepting your illness wholeheartedly and without a single misstep? That’s unrealistic, and you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. People will have questions and accidentally say something wrong. As long as they are trying to respect and love you, you need to be understanding of their reaction, just as you expect they will be understanding of you. If you want to get married, you’ll be doing this kind of communication the rest of your life. Practice now.

Finally, remember to take heart. None of the people I dated were scared off by chronic Lyme disease.  Most wanted to learn more so they could help. If you let them do that very thing, you are living out the great responsibility illness gives you: to help others learn to serve those in need. It’s harder to be the one receiving help than the one giving it. God gave you this for a reason, and He has a plan for it, too. Trust Him.