Beware of Romantic Chemistry

I hated chemistry in high school.

My mind couldn’t grasp the elements on the periodic table, what they meant, or why it mattered. The only reason I passed the class is because my dad somehow convinced my teacher to show me mercy. 

Chemistry is the way in which properties interact, combine, and change. So it’s no wonder we also use the word to describe the intense feelings—the delicious sense of connection—we sometimes feel with another person.

Romantic chemistry is a gift and it’s wonderful to feel. The way our stomach flutters when our eyes connect with another person. The sense of comfort we feel with them. The effortless ability to laugh and talk for hours on end. When you find that with a romantic partner, it’s an exhilarating experience.  

But combining the wrong volatile materials in a lab can cause an explosion.

In the same way, romantic chemistry also has its dangers. 

Of course, you have to feel some chemistry to commit yourself to a person you will one day marry. That’s a good thing and it’s to be enjoyed. But intense chemistry can also cloud our judgment and perception of reality.

We all know people—maybe we are those people—who enjoyed an instant, deep chemistry with someone. Overwhelmed by feelings, they started dating. But before too long, their partner’s personal foibles showed up. He got annoyed at her high-pitched laugh. She grew irritated at his lack of punctuality. Or maybe the problems run deeper…

Maybe he is wounded from a bad childhood and becomes verbally or physically abusive. Maybe she is emotionally stunted and refuses to commit to a lifelong relationship in marriage. You hit roadblocks and sadly realize that chemistry is not the most important thing. It brought you here, but maybe “here” is not a healthy place to be.

It’s like dashing together into a beautiful field of wildflowers, then suddenly realizing you’re standing in a minefield. Chemistry won’t get you out.

You may have to ask if your relationship that started with such an electric spark is worth staying in.

If you decide it is, you will have to do the serious, hard work of self-improvement and dealing with personal issues. No one can live on chemistry alone. 

In the best case, the attraction that brings two people together can lead them both to a place that forces them to become stronger, healthier people. People capable of marriage and sacrificial love that puts the other first. As C.S. Lewis observed:

“If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love.”

In fact, chemistry can be the guide that brings you to the place where you enjoy a love that is deeper and truer than excited emotions. When your red burns into pale blue, it’s okay. Blue is beautiful too and it’s where real love starts.

So beware—or be aware—of chemistry.

Enjoy it if you have it. But don’t let it blind you.  

Chemistry has its limits and it can’t help you out of an unhealthy or dangerous situation. If that’s where you find yourself, be honest, and pray for the courage to do what’s best. That may mean ending a relationship. Or it may mean going deeper than pleasurable feelings. It may mean committing to the hard work of nurturing real love in a healthy relationship.

In this case, as Lewis said about two people brought together by chemistry: 

“‘Being in love first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”