What are the most important traits you look for in a future spouse?
My wife and I recently celebrated 20 years of marriage. This milestone offered us an opportunity to evaluate our relationship. Before getting married, I would have put a sense of humor near the top of my list of qualities I wanted in a spouse. But 20 years later, it never once came up in our conversation. It made me wonder where in our relationship it became less significant.
I came to an important realization during our discussion.
My wife and I identified three key virtues in our marriage, and I realized that they were the deeper meaning of my desire for a wife with a “sense of humor.” These virtues are magnanimity, humility, and warmheartedness.
Magnanimity.
The word “magnanimity” literally means “great-souled.” As a virtue, it means the habit of going beyond oneself with the heart and the mind. Magnanimous people realize that they need to expand their thinking. They think beyond themselves and their limited life experience. They go beyond their immediate physical desires. They focus on the higher values of truth, goodness, and beauty. These "transcendent goods" lead their hearts and minds to the love of God and neighbor.
Magnanimous people are often described as generous. They think about serving the needs of others before their own, even to the point of sacrifice. They are also able to bear suffering and trials calmly. They can even turn them into opportunities for loving sacrifice. They offer their suffering for the spiritual good of others.
What does magnanimity have to do with a sense of humor? Blessed Fulton Sheen taught that a sense of humor comes from the intellectual ability to see beyond the confines of your own little world to understand the larger picture. That’s magnanimity.
Humility.
There are two parts to the virtue of humility: accurate self-concept and focusing less on ourselves.
First, true humility is an accurate self-concept. It doesn’t mean looking down on yourself. It means knowing both your strengths and your weaknesses. People who are humble are able to build strong relationships. They realize that their strengths can serve the needs of others. They also see that their weaknesses mean they need help from other people. Humble people are more likely to improve themselves. They face their own weaknesses, ignorance, and sinfulness head-on.
The second part of humility is that it drives us to focus less on ourselves. Humility means seeking God’s will rather than our own. It means remembering that we stand before God as limited, created beings. We stand before each other as brothers and sisters.
How does humility connect to a sense of humor? Humble people have the ability to laugh at themselves. They are rarely caught by surprise when they make mistakes since they know their own weaknesses. Rather, they are more likely to find the humor in the situation and then to move on.
Warmheartedness.
Warmheartedness is the virtue of making other people feel loved and cared for. A warmhearted person is fully present to other people, showing authentic interest in them. Warmhearted people are also affirming of others. They respect and value each person’s uniqueness and dignity. People often describe warmhearted people in familiar terms. “She won everyone’s heart.” “He is so welcoming.” “I am so comfortable in that person’s presence.”
Warmheartedness contributes to a sense of humor. Warmhearted people have a ready smile. Their smile is not due to frivolity, but communicates authentic joy in the presence of others.
So let's go deeper than humor.
Don’t get me wrong: a sense of humor is a good quality in a person! In Catholic tradition, a sense of humor is the fruit of intellectual virtue. But do we want someone who does stand-up comedy routines at the dinner table? Do we want a spouse who never takes anything seriously? These things may be fun, but they won't help your marriage flourish. Virtues like magnanimity, humility, and warmheartedness will.
But these virtues are hard! In fact, my wife and I talked about how we need to strengthen each one of them even after 20 years of marriage. The good news is that you can start growing in these virtues at any time. Building these virtues in yourself now may help you attract the kind of spouse that will grow in them with you. Here are some first steps:
1. Start with humility. Spend some time taking stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Think about how you can use your strengths to help others and how you can get help from others in your weakness.
2. Get in the habit of lifting others up. This may take some effort at first (as does every virtue). Look for ways that you can help other people be successful. Train yourself to see other people’s need for support, for affirmation, or help.
3. Focus on transcendent goods. We need to teach ourselves to appreciate truth, goodness, and beauty. Try focusing less on your physical desires and more on these spiritual goods.
The human desire for relationship can lead us to become better people.
That’s true if you’re trying to become more attractive to a future spouse. It's just as true when you’re looking for ways to make your marriage even stronger after 20 years. God planned relationships to lead us to virtue and ultimately to Christlike love.
This process of transformation is a call for us to cooperate with grace. We don’t do it alone. Tackle these virtues with a lot of prayer. Let God shape you into the person He wants you to be. Then you'll be the kind of person that can build a thriving marriage.
