In a Flirtationship? Here's Why You Need to End It.

Flirting is a part of the dating scene. It’s a good way to test someone’s personality and gauge their interest. Like many things, it does have a downside. Flirting is bad when it becomes a flirtationship.

What is a flirtationship?

“Flirtationship” is a portmanteau (look that word up, it’s a good one to know) meaning “a relationship built on flirting.” People in a flirtationship are not officially dating, but there is mutual attraction. They are stuck in the space between “talking” and being in a relationship.

This is no mere crush, though. A couple in a flirtationship will engage in some physical or romantic affection but without the official commitment of a relationship. If you’re in a flirtationship, you probably feel embarrassed when someone asks if you’re dating that guy/girl. At the same time, you feel weird about going on dates with other people.

It’s a weird spot to be in.

In a flirtationship, while there is no official commitment, one person (or both) feels committed. This is destructive for a few reasons.

Why is it destructive?

The obvious answer is that it’s a quick trip to Jealous Town, USA. When one person feels committed and the other doesn’t, the other is bound to do something that makes the other person feel cheated on. This leads to hurt feelings, harsh words, and even gossip or ruined reputations.

A flirtationship that lasts too long teaches you to view love and relationships as casual. If you combine a lack of commitment with the good feeling of being in a relationship for too long, you’re going to associate those two things. Then when it’s time to be in a serious relationship, it will be hard to break the association.

It’s also not fair to either person involved. Both people deserve clarity and purpose in their relationships. The ambiguity of half-dating someone is like a tire spinning in mud. It’s a lot of work and it gets you nowhere. If you’re in a flirtationship, you need to move on either by committing to dating that person (which is an option!) or by breaking up.

You’re probably staying in the flirtationship because the flirting part is fun and talking about commitment is scary. But for the three reasons listed above, you have to end it.

How do I end it?

First things first, don’t ignore it. Ignoring it is what got you here in the first place. Admit first to yourself, then to a close friend that you are in a flirtationship and you need to get out of it. Involving a close friend will help keep you accountable and make sure you actually do end it.

Then, you need to have the commitment conversation with this person. Some people call this a “Define the Relationship” or a DTR talk. Most people DTR if they aren’t sure the other person likes them. So, you have an advantage! It’s obvious they are attracted to you, since they are flirting with you.

The only downside is it will hurt more if it turns out they are attracted to you but aren’t willing to date you. This will likely make you feel used, angry, or betrayed. All of these feelings are valid. Be prepared for this possibility and talk with your friend about it so you’re both prepared for those feelings.

Maybe it’s the other way around and you don’t want to date them. In that case, you need to break up with them. You might not think of it as breaking up because you “aren’t dating,” but it really is like breaking up.

Tell them point blank, “I need to break up with you.” They might look at you weird, but that’s okay. Clarify that you’ve been acting like you were dating without any of the commitment and you’ve realized that is unhealthy.

You got into this flirtationship by accident, but you can’t get out of it on accident. You need to take action. If you do it sooner rather than later, you will save both yourself and this person from further heartbreak.