10 Things Every Single Catholic Woman Should Do Before Getting Married

A "Bucket List" for the unmarried.

Anyone familiar with the concept of “Bucket Lists” knows that it is the list of things you are determined to do before kicking the bucket. Being that marriage, in a sense we are told, is a kind of death (to self, your old life, to the world) and love is also as strong as death, proclaim the lovers in the Song of Solomon, it could be fun to make a different kind of bucket list.

Life changes when you get married. Priorities and availability shift. The time for some things you felt were important passes. If you are still unattached, now is the time to focus on some things you can (or maybe should) do before you get married.

So, think of this as your pre-marriage bucket list.

Here are 10 Things You Should Do, ladies, before you get married:

1. Travel.

Particularly, I would say, travel and serve. I spent several of my single summers on foreign mission trips. Without a doubt some of the most formative times of my life. I know travel abroad can be expensive, but think of it more as an investment—an investment in your own life and an investment in His Kingdom. If travel restrictions due to the pandemic don’t allow for your overseas mission experience, there are so many places within the US and within driving distance where you can serve in a volunteer capacity. 

2. Make Friends with Married Couples.

So often we find ourselves in very homogeneous social groups. All our friends are in our high school youth group, then in our college class or young adult ministry, then all our friends are in the same demographic of young single people starting their businesses or professions. Mix it up! Make friends with people who have been married a few years, those who have a few kids, those with grown kids, retired married people.

One of the most enriching experiences as an intentional community is having a variety of experiences and perspectives represented. There is so much encouragement and learning you can do simply by being around married people—even as a single person. (Plus, happily married people are incorrigible matchmakers. It’s an asset, not a liability to have that on your side.)

3. Learn Natural Family Planning.

It is surprising how little we are taught about the way our bodies work. If your sex-ed was primarily through your high school or if your parents handed you a book with a pat on the shoulder that communicated, “Read this and I hope you don’t ask too many questions,” you likely learned little-to-nothing about your fertility, how/when conception actually takes place, what things maximize or minimize your fertility, etc.

It’s more than charting. It’s more than our base understanding of birth control or child-spacing. Learning the ins and outs of NFP can literally illuminate for you the beauty of God’s design for women and certainly for marriage. Learn it now. Don’t wait until it is lumped together with wedding planning.

4. Date.

No really. Go out on a lot of dates. These do not have to be serious pairings. You do not have to have marriage in mind to agree to have coffee with the new guy at work. First and second dates do not have to lead to third and fourth dates. Just go, get to know friends, talk, and do not feel obligated. You will be able to fine-tune your own communication skills and learn what characteristics you find attractive and which repellant. 

5. Learn to Cook.

Really, this applies to everyone—men and women. Yet, particularly there is something lovely about a woman who knows how to cook. It inspires, it feeds the soul and body, it is one way you can make your friends, family, and eventually, your husband feel loved. My motto is always, “Feed the people. Ask questions later.”

If you come by my house and you’re sad: here is a scone and some tea. If you come by my house and you’re happy: here is a glass of wine and some cake. We will eat and find out all the whys later. I honed these kitchen skills before I got married. Which was a good thing, because after I was married the babies came fast and there was not time to learn then.

6. Go to Therapy.

If there is still a stigma around therapy for you, I would encourage you to take a fresh look at it. There is no shame in getting help in sorting out the complicated emotions and psychological patterns we develop living in this most modern world. Schedule a mental/emotional check-up with a counselor or therapist. Make sure you have faced your traumas (or at the very least know what they are!) before you try to weave your life together with another’s.

7. Find an Exercise or Sport You Love.

Now is the perfect time to figure out if you’re a Pilates or CrossFit person. Hiking or Peloton? SoulCore or Running? Whatever it is, develop a foundation of taking care of your physical body. You will soon find that taking care of your physical body is also taking care of your mental health. Build it into your life while you’re single so you aren’t trying to fit it in later. First things first, right?

8. Make a list.

Sit down and do some soul-searching. What are the non-negotiable deal breakers for what you are looking for in a husband? Be honest with yourself. Maybe he doesn’t have to be 6’2” with blue eyes and play the guitar. But maybe you are definitely looking for someone athletic with musical sensibilities.

If you are looking for a devout and traditional Catholic family man, don’t settle for someone who goes to Mass only on Christmas and Easter. It is OK to want what you want without apology. Sometimes we don’t know what our deal-breakers are because we haven’t taken the time to do the deep soul-searching introspection required. So, take some time and do that.

9. Learn how to fight and how to make up.

These days the biggest fights I see are sadly on social media—which can be anything but social. People don’t know how to fight anymore. They don’t know how to talk through disagreements without it devolving into ugliness. But, learning how to disagree with someone you care about without being disagreeable is an important skill, as is learning to apologize, accept responsibility, and extend grace.

Billy Graham’s wife Ruth famously said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” This is so true. So, learn to fight fair and learn how to make up. If you don’t know how, pick up a good book on communication or refer to point 6 and talk to a therapist.

10. Take a trip with your girls.

Although friendships should definitely be nurtured all your life, even after marriage and children, it will always be more difficult to find the free time after family life and obligations increase. So, gather your besties or your sisters and have some quality girl-time. Take a road trip, go to a spa, rent a cabin by the lake. Treasure that special time without thinking a bit about what the boys think.

Bonus:

Foster devotion to a saint who models the kind of woman you want to be. Some obvious choices may be Zelie Martin, Gianna Beretta Molla, or Mother Seton. But don’t forget the less obvious choices of Hildegard Von Bingen, Edith Stein, or Jane Frances de Chantal. Make a saint your BFF and you will always have someone to talk to and to help you sort out the path from single to married life.