50 Lessons From 44 Years of Marriage

When I married my high school sweetheart, I was 21, and she was 20 — mere babes we were. While I may have been young and naive about many things, one thing I knew for certain — I needed to learn how to be a great husband. And so began a lifelong journey as a student of marriage. I read books. I closely watched how good husbands behaved and how their wives responded. I tuned in to Christian radio and took notes whenever marriage advice was offered.

I purposed always to be a student of marriage.

Whenever I fell into a pothole on the matrimonial highway, I noted what I did wrong and how I climbed out of that pothole. I sought to learn my lesson so the mistake would not be repeated. Better yet, I purposed to learn from the mistakes of others. Along the way, I collected tips, quotes, anecdotes, and stories about marriage. Even after losing my wife to cancer when I was 59 and remarried at age 65, I continued to capture lessons learned. I decided that I was always young enough to be a student and never too proud (or too old) to learn new insights into how to be a better man.

Below are 50 notes to myself—reminders of lessons learned over 44 years of marriage to two Godly women. I invite you to read them and begin your own list.

1. Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the Church: sacrificially.
2. Before doing anything significant, ask your spouse.
3. Empty yourself of any need to change your spouse.
4. Real devotion is accepting your wife just as she is.
5. Learn to manage anger.
6. Learn to listen — well.
7. Be open about your feelings — share them.
8. Dialogue is to love what blood is to the body.
9. Honesty is essential in a marriage. But there’s honesty, and then there's brutality. And there's no room for brutality in marriage. 
10. Communication in marriage is like marital WD-40. When it’s present, things go smoother. When it’s absent, life is filled with friction.
11. Even after marriage, keep dating your spouse.
12. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
13. The best marriages are those where both partners give 100 percent to the relationship, and neither one worries about who did what for whom last.   
14. “A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.” Anne Lamott
15. The least important word in any marriage is "I."   
16. Don’t be so busy being parents that you forget to be sweethearts.
17. “Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial. It is the duty of every man to uphold the dignity of every woman.”  Pope St. John Paul II
18. Marriage is not a destination…but rather a method of travel.
19. Husbands, make your wife YOUR vision of beauty. 
20. Wives, make your husband YOUR vision of manhood.
21. Husbands, true leadership means supporting and enabling your wife. Like the plaque says, “Marriage is a duet, when one sings, the other claps.”
22. Express appreciation for the little things.
23. Your marriage will thrive when positive interactions (like a smile, a gentle touch, sharing a quick hug, and listening intently to each other’s conversations) outnumber the negative by a 5:1 ratio.
24. "It takes a great lover to satisfy one woman for a lifetime.”  Rev. Wellington Boone
25. “You can’t be a man at night if you are a boy all day long…pick up your own clothes.”  Rev. Wellington Boone
26. “The way a woman spells love over time is tenderness.”  Tommy Nelson
27. Become a man of gentleness in manner, speech, and touch.
28. Healthy marriages learn how to fight lovingly and well.
29. “All couples fight. Good couples fight clean. Bad couples fight dirty.”   “Good marital conflict leads to resolution and greater closeness. Bad marital conflict presses for victory, which leads to alienation and the potential for revenge.” Tommy Nelson
30. God’s idea of sexual intimacy finds the greatest fulfillment in a heart of giving. For in giving, we receive. True lovers are givers, not takers.
31. Steer clear of unnecessarily spending one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex.
32. Reserve the act of flirting as something done only with your wife.
33. “A happy marriage is the union of two great forgivers.”  Ruth Bell Graham
34. “A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns; it is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of ‘unresolvables’.”  Dr. James Dobson
35. The most important word in a marriage is forgiveness…Show me a marriage teeming with forgiveness and grace, and I will show you a healthy, thriving marriage.”  Dr. Allen Hunt
36. Men who stay faithful don’t have time to look for another woman because they’re too busy looking for new ways to love their own.
37. Seek to be a married couple, not married singles.
38. “What do women most want from their husbands? It is not a bigger home or a better dishwasher or a new automobile. Rather, it is the assurance that, hand in hand, we’ll face the best and worst that life has to offer — together.”  Dr. James Dobson
39. “When husbands fail in tenderness and wives fail to show respect, marriages wither. Revere your mate. If you don’t, Satan will find someone who will.”  Tommy Nelson
40. “Your role in marriage is to build up, to edify, to strengthen, and to genuinely praise the goodness of God in your spouse…There is no excuse at any time for demeaning a person.”  Tommy Nelson
41. “Attention and affection work for a marriage like oxygen and water work for the human body.”  Dr. Allen Hunt
42. “Don’t marry someone you can live with; marry someone you can’t live without.” Dr. Allen Hunt
43. “Marriage is a garden, not a fruit stand. You have to tend it.”  Dr. Allen Hunt
44. Wives: a husband always wants to know that his wife still loves him, still wants him, and still adores him. 
45. The 5 most important words a husband can say to his wife: “Let me do the dishes.”
46. Note to husbands:  Foreplay starts in the kitchen.
47. Husbands may run the house…..so long as they run the lawnmower, run the dishwasher, run the vacuum, and run to the grocery store.
48. “Out-serve your wife.”  Rev. Wellington Boone
49. Husbands, learn to be affectionate, to be tender in word and deed — with no self-serving motives.
50. Spouses who are best friends are twice as happy as those who are not.

I do not consider this list to be a complete recipe for marital bliss but more like a series of road signs, curbs, and guardrails to keep you moving in the right direction. Become a student of marriage and your marital journey will have fewer potholes and be a smoother, more enjoyable ride.