The Way We Fight: A Guide to Graceful Disagreements
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A year into marriage, my husband and I were accused of lying at a party.
We’d casually mentioned that we never fight, and the whole party exploded into indignation. It took an hour to explain that yes, we do disagree on things, but those disagreements never escalated into a fight.
Now, over 12 years into marriage, we can still say that we never fight. But with years of big and little disagreements behind us, I think we’re better able to explain why and how our marriage is so peaceful.
Reality check...
Peaceful does not mean perfect. We’re fallen people living in a fallen world. I don’t have a completely harmonious marriage, I just have a marriage in which disagreements don’t escalate into fights. Not because my husband and I are better or more holy than other people. Simply because a peaceful household is one of our priorities.
Fighting isn’t fun. It hurts everyone. When spouses fight, they’re often left feeling isolated and disrespected. At the end of a fight, someone may have won the battle, but everyone in the family has to suffer the effects.
But avoiding conflicts isn’t the answer either. It’s important for couples to be honest and clear about disagreements. So where is the balance?
Fighting vs. Arguing.
The easiest way to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy disagreement in a relationship is by clearing up a few of the terms. Disagreements are natural and healthy when they lead to arguments; they’re unhealthy when they devolve into fights. Let me explain:
- Disagreements: Any two people will have disagreements at some time or another. Whether disagreements crop up about something as banal as pineapple on pizza or as important as Mary’s role in the Incarnation, a disagreement is just a difference of opinion.
- Arguments: When we start to talk about our disagreements, we often enter into the realm of argument. In an argument, each person tries to explain and defend his or her position. Now, arguments can get heated. But an argument never stops respecting the other person. At the end of an argument, we can talk and laugh about other things, go to bed happily, or share a meal. We are still a harmonious, unified couple.
- Fights: When a disagreement devolves into a fight, the whole tone of the home changes. When in a fight, we’re looking to win. During and after a fight, all of our emotions run wild. Often we feel disrespected, angry, unheard, or misunderstood; and when that happens, we tend to lash out. It’s during a fight that we tend to bring up all the past hurts in our relationship.
Simply put, fighting makes us angry, emotional, and determined to win. Sometimes, we’re even hoping to hurt or humiliate the other person. Fights damage the relationship. They leave us wondering why we even bother trying to communicate. After a fight, it can take hours, days, or even weeks to feel connected again as a couple.
Choose to disagree gracefully.
Knowing that we will have disagreements from time to time in any relationship, it’s a good idea to decide beforehand how you personally will handle them. Chose to be intentional about your disagreements in every relationship so that graceful arguing is second nature.
It is much easier to control your emotions in a disagreement with strangers than it is during a more intimate argument. Start practicing everywhere: at work, at school, and even on social media.
There are three steps to a healthy, graceful argument. When we find ourselves in a disagreement, each of these steps allows us to argue kindly.
1. Listen.
Everyone talks about the importance of listening, but a good listener is hard to find! Many times, people just listen for the opportunity to respond. Listen to truly hear the words and process their meanings before you even start to formulate a response.
These days, we spend too much time trying to ‘feel heard’ and too little time trying to hear. But, in a healthy argument, our first priority should be to listen to and really hear what the other person is saying. Take the time to listen and understand before responding.
2. Reflect.
Embrace the wisdom of St. John Chrysostom and remind yourself that “no matter how just your words may be, you ruin everything when you speak with anger.” Speak with love, and when you’re very upset, take some time to reflect and calm down before you speak.
As a melancholic, I have a tendency to spend so much time reflecting that I never get around to responding to disagreements! But for many people in our fast-paced society, reflecting can be one of the hardest parts of gentle disagreement! A few minutes, hours, or even days of thought before you speak can stop an argument from turning foul. Never feel bad about saying “I have to spend some time thinking about what you said. Can we come back to this discussion later?”
3. Respond Clearly.
When you are ready to respond, make your response count. It should be honest and kind, but most of all, it should be crystal clear. If you want to be understood, you need to put effort into it. Explain your position simply and directly, with love and respect. Then, allow your spouse or friend to do the same.
It’s important to avoid baiting, attacking, or making intentionally hurtful declarations. Arguments aren’t usually the time to make jokes about his mother’s cooking or belittle her understanding of theology.
Remember, you love and respect this person.
When the argument is over, you’ll either be closer than ever, or lonely and uncertain. It really does take two people to turn an argument into a fight. If you chose intentional arguments over fighting, your relationship will be a peaceful and grace-filled refuge against the world.
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