How to Be Supportive When Your Best Friend Finds the One

“I call left side!”

My twin sister was not claiming a place in the car. She was calling dibs on forever sitting on my left hand side. Why? Two hours ago, I had gotten engaged. Was this weird to say? Yes. Was it sweet? Also yes. Was it understandable? Let’s discuss.

You are probably not a twin, I realize. But odds are, there’s someone in your life to whom you are extremely close.

The best friend who can basically read your mind. That sister who’s the package deal in everything. Your parent who’s on speed-dial for daily occurrences. Whoever this is, you can think of that one inseparable person as your “twin.” You two probably have been like this for years, even decades of life. Hopefully you figured out that “twinship” doesn’t spill over into dating—for some reason, a young man doesn’t like both his date and her twin sister scrutinizing him from the other side of the restaurant table. Go figure.

But there’s a line between casual dating and getting married. You or your “twin” gets romantically serious with someone. It’s so exciting, and you hear wedding bells! At the same time you are terrified. Why do you feel like this? Is your best friend abandoning you? What NOW?

There are several things to know when either you or your “twin” starts a serious romance:

1. Change is especially stressful for “twins.”

You can feel replaced when your best friend gets a fiancé. It can almost feel like a breakup, because your “twin” is investing time and emotion into someone else. It doesn’t mean you aren’t happy for them—when I got engaged, my twin sister was almost more excited than I was. Does that mean we didn’t spend the next three weeks crying due to this stressful change? Of course not.

Since we had been together all our lives, always doing the same things, we were terrified by the idea that one of us was getting married and the other one was not. These feelings are normal. Pray about it, and understand that even happy change is hard.

2. Know the difference between a red flag and a feeling.

There is a line between working through your emotions and justifying a concerning situation. If this new significant other tries to belittle or crush the relationship you have with your “twin,” it’s a red flag. There’s nothing quite as scary as someone who is jealous of your friendship and wants it gone. If you’re not sure whether the new person is acting inappropriately or your feelings are coloring your perspective, ask the opinion of another trusted friend. Safety first!

3. Actively remind yourself this romantic partner is a human person, not some unfeeling rock.

He or she doesn’t deserve to be shafted just because they don’t understand your “twinship.” Very few people will automatically understand the nuances between you two. They will ask questions. They might accidentally do something dumb. That’s okay. It’s all part of adjusting to a new person in your life.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Be patient, and see if this romantic partner will respect pre-existing friendships. If so, he or she is a keeper. Then look at the positive—this new romantic partner could be a great new friend to both of you! Sisters and brothers-in-law often become tight with family and friends.

4. Unrealistic expectations can ruin happiness.

Maybe you expected your best friend to choose a spouse who is just like you. Maybe you thought having a fiancé wouldn’t affect your sister’s time with you. Maybe you expected your mom to stay with you and the new husband on weekends.

You might not think you have expectations...until they aren’t met; and your subconscious expectations can lead to jealousy. Whatever it is, talk to your “twin.” Work out your thoughts and be realistic. If you have trouble figuring it out, find others who have been through the same thing and talk to them about it. Don’t forget to clue in the new spouse in this kind of stuff, too.

5. You both need to adjust the intentionality of your relationship.

Coffee dates, phone calls, and one-on-one visits will probably need to be scheduled once someone is engaged or married. Remember that your “twin” loves you and needs you just like you need them. Your newlywed brother might brush off time with his buddies. Your sister might assume her fiancé is invited to girls’ night.

At the same time, don’t roll over and let your “twin” isolate themselves. Remind them that though it’s natural to spend the majority of time with a spouse, they shouldn’t cut ties with friends and family. That’s just unhealthy.

6. Finally, remember that in any marriage, the spouse becomes the priority.

It doesn’t mean your “twinship” doesn’t matter anymore. It does mean that you have to make a conscious effort to not let any other relationship come between a married couple. The silver lining is that your years of experience in being a twin has prepared you for how deeply connected you will (or should) become with your spouse.

Yes, the confusion of navigating a “twinship” and a new relationship is hard, whether you’re the fiancé or the one looking on. Pray about it, communicate with your “twin” about it, and talk to your spouse about it. You’ll figure it out together.