Conversations in an Age of Contempt

It's no secret that the times we live in are becoming more and more challenging.

Maybe you’ve never had a conversation with someone who left you feeling dismissed or diminished. Maybe, unlike so many people this year, your holidays weren’t peppered with uncomfortable conflicts between opposing parties, and you haven't had to block even one (former) friend on social media. If so, congratulations! Thus far, you’ve managed to escape the spirit of the age. 

But, don’t get comfortable. These days, conversation is a dying art. It’s only a matter of time before your date mentions one of a dozen contentious subjects and the evening falls to pieces.  

Lucky for you, it doesn’t have to! Conversation may be a dying art, but it’s not dead yet! All it takes is a little ingenuity on your part—along with an abundance of patience—to keep the culture of contempt at bay. 

What is the culture of contempt?

If you’re not sure our current climate is actually full of contempt and anger, think back to the last time you (or someone close to you) disagreed with a friend over something that felt both serious and deeply personal. It’s likely that disagreement affected the way you saw that friend—and may even have affected whether you wanted to see that friend again! At this point, most people know of at least one or two canceled gatherings due to impassioned feuds. 

When we isolate friends and family, cancel get-togethers, or tear down a friend after a disagreement (however essential those disagreements are), then we’re participating in the culture of contempt. The truth is that if you can’t spend a few hours with Uncle Sean because of his politics, or you suddenly block your best friend after an argument, then you are a part of the problem. 

Stay charitable.

Of course, all those people may be wrong; you may be entirely right, but no one ever wins an argument with contempt. Your role is not to beat the rest of the world over the head with facts until they give in or run away. Your role is to love—to be the face of Christ to each and every person in your life. 

One of the best ways to do this is to have conversations instead of arguments, and arguments instead of fights. But how? Essentially, you just have lead with charity.

In these situations, charity gives us the sort of social confidence that extends out to other people. Charitable people know who they are and what they stand for, so they’re not threatened by divergent opinions. They don’t feel the need to argue over every, single issue. Instead, they focus on connecting with the individuals around them and nurturing the dignity of their fellow men. 

Find ways to have affection for the people who disagree with you. Maybe you can focus on Uncle Sean’s passion for human rights, or maybe you can just think fondly of that time he took everyone out to dinner. Focus on all the reasons you love the people whose opinions horrify you, instead of the opinions themselves. 

Social media mistakes.

Part of the trouble is that social media often reduces people to their opinions. When we spend most of our time engaging face to face, our friendships can be built on a variety of shared interests, goals, situations, and sometimes just plain charisma. But on social media, it all comes down to how much we agree on all the contentious issues.

This single-mindedness can be especially damaging in online dating. Too often, we can paint ourselves into a lonely corner by creating a list of impossible demands. If you’re expecting your future spouse to agree on everything from politics to pastimes, it may be that you’re looking for a clone, not a lover. 

Take some time to think about the issues that really matter to you. Some of them may seem small, but actually reflect a larger divergence of worldview; while others might seem like huge issues, when in reality they’re just differing approaches to the same truth. Learn to see the difference and cultivate relationships that point toward your shared truth, rather than dwelling on the divisions. 

Boundaries.

At some point, even the most opinionated among us have to set some boundaries. Which issues are really worth arguing over? When? With whom? You aren’t less passionate about an issue because you chose to be intentional about when, where, and with whom you argue. 

Is it really worthwhile to tell your friend she’s causing scandal, or is it just cathartic? Is it necessary to uninvite Grandma from the party because of her conspiracy theories? At what point do our arguments change from attempts to persuade to attempts to control? 

Building boundaries gives us a chance to step back and focus on love. Building boundaries also helps us to know when to walk away. Walking away shouldn’t be overused, of course, but there are times when it’s best to close the door on some relationships. If you have healthy boundaries with yourself and your ideals, it’s easier to know when you’re making a reasonable choice, and when you’re just acting out of frustration. 

Choose kindness.

No matter the disagreement, you can always choose to be kind. Whether you’re at a family reunion, finally getting coffee with the guy you met on CatholicMatch, or scrolling through Instagram—don’t react right away. Ask yourself: Is it the right time and place to challenge this person’s opinion? Am I the right person to do so? Is this disagreement even worth arguing about?

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with choosing to influence with your actions and your prayers, rather than your words. In our argumentative culture, sometimes staying quiet is the best way to make yourself heard.