Yes, Sometimes You Do Need to Change

Fact: we all have habits that should be improved upon.

Have you ever been told, "You should never have to change yourself for someone or for a relationship" or said, “If my partner really loved me, he/she would accept me as I am”?

There is certainly truth to those claims; your core values should be unwavering and embraced by any future spouse. However, if you look at yourself honestly, you will probably find some problem behaviors that you need to change for the good of the relationship—those patterns that prevent you from loving others as fully as God intended us to.

Some of these may be so deeply ingrained that you don’t even realize you are doing them! As you read the list below, ask the Holy Spirit to show you which of these are most relevant to you.

1. Thinking of yourself first.

Self-love is important. We should love and appreciate all that God has made us to be, and it is only in taking care of ourselves first that we can take care of others. However, there is a natural progression that needs to take place in marriage—one from thinking about yourself first to thinking of your partner first. This means that “my” plans should be secondary to "our" plans.

In a few of my past relationships, it was clear to me that my boyfriend had already established his life and his plan for the future—from where we were going to live to when we were going to have children—and just wanted me to fit myself into it. This left me questioning if it was even ME he wanted or just SOMEONE. 

Marriage is about building a life together, where the interests of both spouses are considered. Furthermore, marriage is intended to be a reflection of Jesus’ sacrifice; self-denial is inherent. So try asking your spouse where they would like to go out to eat or what movie they would like to watch rather than asserting your preferences first. After all, if you are both looking out for each other first, you will never have to worry about your preferences being ignored. 

2. Always thinking you're right.

In one of my past relationships, I tried to explain to my boyfriend that some of his beliefs about sex were not consistent with Catholic teaching. He argued that his difference in beliefs didn’t matter to God. In other words, he was right, even if the Church said differently. 

A healthy relationship will help you come to terms with your own pride. At the beginning of our relationship, my husband would frequently think I was angry because of my tone of voice. Each time he brought up this concern, I responded defensively. It wasn’t until someone else mentioned my tone to me that I began paying closer attention to my way of speaking and realized that sometimes, I really did sound angry. I now recognize that any constructive criticism from my husband probably isn't an attack, but rather an invitation for introspection from someone who cares about me.

Pride tells us to respond in defensiveness, but defensiveness isn’t going to make for a healthy relationship. Furthermore, if you aren’t willing to listen to your partner, how willing are you to listen to God’s voice, which is even harder to hear or discern? 

3. How you solve a conflict.

No matter how perfect your relationship may be, disagreements are going to happen. Therefore, it is essential to learn how you and your potential spouse handle conflict so that you can communicate effectively. Aggressive communication tells your partner, “My needs are more important than yours”. At its best, it is disrespectful; at its worst, it can be abusive.

Too much passivity, however, can be just as insidious. If you tend to shy away from conflict at all costs, you are only reinforcing a pattern of behavior in which your partner will expect to always get their way. However, unless you are consciously choosing humility, you aren’t growing any holier—you’re probably only growing more resentful. 

I come from a household in which aggressive communication, or at least having very loud, strong opinions, was prevalent. My husband, whose family is much quieter and more conflict-averse, silently conceded to me a lot in the beginning of our relationship. I thought this meant that we were always on the same page; it actually meant that he just wasn’t expressing his needs. Changing our communication patterns required a lot of work, and we probably could have prevented a lot of arguments had we practiced effective conflict management skills before we got married.

4. Poor financial habits.

There’s a reason that finances are the leading cause of marital discord and the second-highest reason for divorce (the first being infidelity)—managing money is stressful! In particular, debt is stressful. Furthermore, poor financial habits may be indicative of attachment to sin. Are selfishness, greed, or a lack of self-control influencing your spending habits? Are you spending money on things that distract you from God, rather than using money as a means of serving God and others? We are called to be good stewards, which means recognizing that everything we have, including money, is a gift from God, and should be used to bring glory to Him. 

If you do have debt (hello, student loans!), you’re not doomed. There are a lot of excellent podcasts, videos, blogs, and programs that can help you change your spending habits, create a budget, and plan for the future. The sooner you address these issues, the better you are setting up yourself, and your future family, for success.

5. Attachment to vices.

No one is going to be perfect, and it isn’t fair to expect perfection from your partner. However, certain vices, such as an addiction to substances, alcohol, pornography, or gambling, participation in objectification culture or engaging in unrepentant premarital sex, or mismanagement of anger, are so destructive that it would be detrimental to enter into a marriage without getting the help you need beforehand.

In marriage, you become responsible for the salvation of your partner. Therefore, you want to spare your partner any undue suffering that your attachment to serious sin may cause. In addition, your participation in mortal sin could potentially lead your partner to sin. For example, if you have an addiction to pornography, encouraging your spouse to watch it with you would be leading him or her into sin and therefore endangering not just your soul, but your spouse’s soul. 

If you or someone you are dating has struggled with these vices in the past, don’t despair. Jesus offers healing and forgiveness—all you have to do is accept it! It is only when you deny that these problems exist or refuse to get help for them that your relationships will suffer—both your relationship with God and with others.