When You Don't Agree on Values

Many Catholics fear meeting someone who is perfect in all ways except that they disagree on an important value, truth, or Church teaching. This can be very scary because the temptation might be to ignore the problem and continue the relationship because of how good it feels. It can be tempting to even enter into a marriage with them before settling the disagreement.

Immediately ending things can also be a bad choice, however. It is important to find the correct balance and follow both your heart and mind when it comes to navigating a relationship with someone who has different values. 

Step 1: How important is it?

“Value” is a vague term, and it could mean anything from disagreeing about music during Mass to not wanting to have children. It’s up to you to decide how much of a dealbreaker this disagreement is.

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if it is necessary to raise your future children with this value. If it seems like there isn’t much moral weight to the disagreement or a person can be a virtuous Catholic either way, then consider compromising on the topic. If it is about objective morality, however, then there cannot be compromise. This would include the teachings of the Church, and especially the ones regarding marriage. 

Step 2: The conversation

If you have determined that there is no compromise when it comes to this topic, and that it is important enough to pursue, then it is time to have another conversation about it. At this point, you should have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about the topic so you can face it with a clear mind. Communicate that this value is non-negotiable for you and why. If it is a teaching of the Church, refer to scripture, encyclicals, or the Catechism where the topic is addressed.

It is incredibly important, however, not to approach this conversation like it is a debate. You are on the same side. You both care about each other and the relationship, and you both have the same goal of preserving the relationship and pursuing virtue. Establish that goal clearly at the beginning of this conversation, and then each of you should have a turn to explain why you feel the way that you do.This will be a good time to judge whether or not your partner is open to changing their mind.

Step 3: Have mercy and be patient 

Remember that however your partner responds to your stance on the issue, there are a million different aspects that could contribute to their opinion. Maybe they were raised this way, got bad advice from a priest, read something convincing online, or had the wrong friends growing up. No matter what, they are not the enemy, and your goal should be to introduce them to the truth that they may not have heard before.

Remember that human error happens all the time, and your significant other deserves your mercy and patience. Even if they immediately reject your ideas, and it seems like there is no hope, don’t give up just yet. Sometimes all you need to do is plant the seed and let them know that this value is so important to you that it would be impossible to move forward in the relationship without both of you agreeing on it. This is also an important time to give each other space. Once you have communicated that this value is non-negotiable, it is up to your partner to pray about it and decide where they actually stand, if they are willing to change their mind, and, most importantly, what they believe. 

Step 4: Stick to your standards! 

There may be some people in your life saying your standards are too high, but, no matter what, it is incredibly important to stick to what you believe in. If this value is truly non-negotiable, then there is nothing you can do except communicate that to your partner and give them space and be patient.

There is no relationship that is worth compromising your faith or morality for. Always listen to your conscience, and, when you are not sure, look at the Church’s teaching on the topic or talk to a priest or someone you trust. As long as you do your job correctly and kindly, then all you can do is wait and pray. If the relationship is meant to continue, God will bring your significant other to the truth, even if there needs to be more space or an extended break. No matter what, you will always be grateful that you stuck to what you believed in. 

To conclude, it is never worth it to compromise your morality for someone. And the person who is meant to be your spouse won’t pressure you to concede and give up some of your values. But remember to be patient and merciful with your partner once you communicate the importance of your values to them. And it is always completely legitimate to decide to end a relationship if you disagree on the most important topics to faith and marriage.