Seven Things People in Healthy Relationships Do

Hopefully, you already have a good idea of what a healthy romantic relationship looks like.

If you’re here on CatholicMatch, you probably are hoping to build a future marriage around one! But, how do you recognize a healthy relationship?

Most of us can name the big things a couple should be doing, such as spending time together, going on dates, praying together, and prioritizing each other’s needs. Those things are common knowledge for a reason—they’re important! But they are also really hard to quantify, especially if you’re looking from the outside in.

So today, instead of going over those big-name hallmarks, let’s look at some small but significant “green flags,” as I like to call them. These are tiny, telltale signs that show a couple’s relationship is healthy and thriving!

1. They DON’T spend every free minute together.

They’re also not constantly connected on the phone via texting, video chat, or social media. You should both spend some free time doing things without the other person there—seeing friends, engaging in favorite hobbies, and even doing family events separately sometimes. This shows security in your relationship and trust in each other.

It also helps grow your relationship by adding some breathing space—in other words, you’re not spending 100% of your time in an isolated bubble of romance. Maintaining other social connections and activities outside your romance will ground you both in the real world.

2. They talk about each other by their names.

Instead of conducting an introduction as “this is MY NEW GIRLFRIEND Kayla!” you are more likely to say: “This is Kayla, my girlfriend” Or, if you’re at girl’s night, you simply say “Mike” instead of “my boyfriend/husband” whenever he crops up in conversation.

These are very small differences, and naturally, voice inflection, attitude, and noverbal cues also matter. The point is, couples should treat each other first as whole persons with names, instead of a subheader categorized under “My Romantic Partner.” (And trust me, it’s annoying as heck for singles when someone can’t stop saying “my girlfriend/boyfriend!”)

3. They hold hands.

No matter how long a couple has been together, holding hands is one of the most innocent forms of affection ever. In my personal life, the couples in the happiest and healthiest marriages almost always hold hands when they’re together! Walking down the street, in the car, watching a movie, in church, you get it. Forget cringeworthy PDA—holding hands is the truest sign of affection.

4. They disagree . . . charitably.

If you’ve been dating someone for quite a while and you’ve never disagreed on anything, even which movie you want to watch, chances are high one of you is crippled by people-pleasing. Couples should be comfortable enough with each other to voice disagreements, as well as respect each other enough to handle it gracefully. “Disagreeing” is different than “fighting,” after all! Managing conflict kindly, even in minor differences of opinion, is a hallmark of a healthy romance. (Obviously, you shouldn’t disagree on your dating standards—read here for more on that!)

5. They notice each other arriving/leaving.

You pay attention to what you value, right? You can spot a healthy couple by what they pay attention to—namely, each other. This doesn’t mean stalking each other or staring creepily. Healthy couples simply keep an eye on where the other person is. Even during our early dating, my now-husband always looked at me when I entered a room. Nearly forty years into marriage, my dad still watches my mom walking out the door. Healthy partners take care of each other, which starts with simple awareness of where their beloved is.

6. They put their phones away when they’re together.

In a healthy relationship, partners want to pay attention to each other first, and technology takes a backseat. You can spot a good couple by whether they are engaging with each other while they sit on the sofa, or if they are plugged into their separate phones doing separate things. Much like #5, your attention goes to what you value! Technology has its place, but if you find yourself or your date making eye contact with a screen more than each other . . . watch out.

7. They show enthusiasm for each other’s interests.

Healthy couples don’t always partake in each other’s hobbies and passion projects. But they do offer a listening ear and encourage each other in those things. If you have absolutely zero interest in sitting for hours in the woods holding a gun, don’t force yourself to go deer hunting with your boyfriend. If you can’t stand arts and crafts, don’t spend every weekend following your girlfriend around Hobby Lobby.

Instead, encourage each other to do those things without you—AND be eager to listen to their adventures when they get back. They key is in sharing their enthusiasm and excitement, not in sharing every activity.

This list of little green flags is only the beginning.

What follows is an exercise for you, CatholicMatcher: start taking notice of the marriages you admire, couples you know, and your own dates and relationships. In whom have you seen these little green flags before, and what did it tell you?

Have you seen or been in situations where these were missing, and what effect did it have? Reflecting on things like these, and learning to watch for them in yourself and your dates, is a fantastic way to recognize the right relationship when it comes your way.