Have You Found Your Rule of Life?
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For those of you who dare to walk into a grocery store without a shopping list...keep reading.
We all know deep down that it is usually more helpful (and less stressful) to be prepared when we take our weekly trip to the grocery store. Impulse purchases, sugar cravings, and the occasional BOGO—insert name of thing you don’t need—can leave us feeling defeated as we leave the store. Ideally, we would have a list and a plan of action to fall back on when the cravings hit.
However, the ideal and the real are not always one in the same. Discerning a Rule of Life leads us closer to making the ideal a reality.
By creating a plan, we are able to evade the spiritual pitfalls that we encounter.
Dating, marriage, the spiritual life, career, self-care, family life—these all take time, energy, effort, and discipline to struggle through, let alone master.
St. Benedict gave his monastic community his Holy Rule, providing a guide to follow and a narrow way in which they were to seek God and find holiness. While his Rule was primarily for monks, its principles for working and living together are relevant to all people seeking to live a life ordered around God.
A couple of years ago, a friend recommended a different book to me that changed my life as a new(ish) wife and brand new mother. It helped me define my married vocation and state in life by examining my relationships. The author broke down a person's relationships into five categories:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
Learning that my vocation had a blueprint that my husband and I could seek and discover together not only brought peace to my heart, but also drove me to dig deeply within...possibly deeper than I ever had before. What was I digging for? Discipline, obedience, and will power. I began to desire a face “set like flint” and the grit that is necessary to thrive in this pilgrim life. I wanted to live a Rule and strive to live it well.
Firstly, I learned that all things flow from prayer and my relationship with God.
Within our Christian lives, to recognize this is key. The beautiful part? We are each created as a vessel to be filled, consumed by God’s unique love for us. We are set apart, individually, and deeply involved in a personal relationship with the Most High God (even if we cannot see or feel this reality). This relationship began before we were conceived in our mother’s womb!
Contemplating God’s immense love for us helps us cultivate hearts of gratitude and capacity for mercy towards others. No matter how you are striving to grow in this relationship, it must hold the primary place of all relationships in your life.
Would it surprise you to know that your relationship with yourself should be kept near the top of this list?
Second place, in fact! Notice how you react to this statement. If you can’t imagine putting yourself before others, this may give you some insight into the health of all your other relationships. Self-care, living a healthy lifestyle, being formed by good literature, protecting time to play and rest: all of these are examples of nurturing your person. When your cup overflows you are able to share yourself fully and authentically with others.
The relationship with your spouse (partner) takes the third place within your Rule of Life.
If you are a parent it can be difficult at times to remember your spouse holds this place before your children. While our spouses may not have as many tangible needs as our children, we ought to put forth our effort into giving our spouses our all when it counts. A monthly sit-down is a great way to be with your spouse and create a loving and honest environment in which you can assess your married life together.
Our children also deserve our best, and at least in my case, that is where the digging goes even deeper. The challenges that come with raising children can test our resolve in loving within all other relationships.
As partners first, Christian spouses are called to be parents second.
We model the previous “P’s” for our children. We want to give them the tools needed to become secure connectors early in life. Through our daily choices and through living our Rule, our children learn where they fall within God’s plan. Our hope is that they learn they are a part of something greater than themselves. We strive to be their reminder that they are chosen, loved, and respected within their family.
Finally, we must be providers within the vocation of marriage.
Whether we provide through an income or by using our gifts within the home, married people are called to provide for one another and their families. This providing doesn’t stop within the four walls of the home. It extends into the wider community of faith, where we answer Jesus’ call to love our neighbor.
So, what is your own Rule of Life?
With the help of the 5 P’s (prayer, person, partner, parent, provider) spouses can craft a Rule of Life to strive for and follow daily. Just as the grocery store analogy goes, much stress can come from feeling “aimless” in the Christian life.
Discipline and obedience to a plan of life does not come overnight, but through prayer and discernment, spouses can come to a decision and create a personal plan for their pilgrimage here on Earth. A Rule of Life helps us to define our aim which is, ultimately, holiness in this life and Heaven in the next.
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