How to Finally Overcome Perfectionism

Are you a romantic perfectionist?

Maybe you have realized that you are, at least in your dating life, a perfectionist, or perhaps you are "asking for a friend" who meets the definition of being a perfectionist in his or her dating life, and you want to help your friend.

In part 1, we acknowledged the problem of perfectionism. In part 2 we considered why we chase the perfect, and finally, in this piece, suggestions are offered as to how we can begin the long journey of overcoming the perfect. Now that you, or your friend, are ready to stop chasing the perfect in his or her dating life, let us get a few simple but effective strategies under our belt.

Consider whether you have a “perfect” problem. 

If we recall, the drive behind perfectionism is twofold. First, the perfectionist has unrealistic expectations and standards. Second, the perfectionist focuses on what they think are the judgments of others cast upon themselves. The perfectionist manifests his or her perfectionism through their behaviors: hypercritical judging of self or others, second-guessing, procrastination, etc. 

The danger of perfectionism is that it prevents us from flourishing by setting us up for constant disappointment. When our “perfect” standards for either ourselves or others are not met, the frustrating cycle of unrealistic expectations, followed by failure to live up to those standards, starts again. If this sounds like you, then look at why you may be projecting or internalizing “perfect” expectations in the first place. Remember: we need to be able to love and accept ourselves, warts and all before we are able to love and accept someone else—warts and all.

Change the way you think.

Know that there is only one who is perfect, and you are not He. And, that is OK. Repeat this every day multiple times a day, tattoo it on your forehead if you must. Just get it in your head that you are not perfect. The person you are or want to date is not perfect and there is no such thing as the “perfect” relationship. It is not enough just to know this in theory; you have to put it into practice too. Only God is perfect and, having He who is perfect along for the ride, especially when overcoming perfectionism, will be a massive help. 

Give yourself permission to fail.

Some of us have never been able to fail or allowed to fail. So, the thought of failure is frightening. However, failure is a part of life. Legendary baseball player Babe Ruth with 713 career home runs also has alongside his name 1,330 strikeouts. An optimist would say that every failure at the plate brought the Babe closer to his next home run.  

So, give yourself permission to fail. You can even use these words in the morning while getting ready for work or school and boldly proclaim: "Today, I give myself permission to fail." This permission applies to our dating life as well. Permit yourself to fail at dating. Not every date is going to be magic. Not every conversation is going to be perfect. That first date is probably going to be awkward. Maybe even the second one too. And that is OK.  

There is a good chance that the perfect crept into your dating life from somewhere else, so find a hobby that you will do imperfectly and celebrate its imperfectness. Learn to play that instrument you have always wanted to play, take up drawing, try writing poetry, knit the worst sock and blanket of all time. When you do fail, be gentle on yourself. Learn the lesson and move on.

Take courage and be vulnerable.

When we message an exciting person or ask someone out on a date or for a phone number, we make ourselves vulnerable and are in a position of being rejected and hurt and judged. Perfectionism does not allow us to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, we need courage. No courage. No vulnerability. 

How do you develop courage? According to Aristotle, "by doing courageous acts." As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." In terms of dating, our fears will be different from our friends'. For a guy, it might merely be asking that girl on a date. For a girl, it might be saying yes to that date or even being the first to message. Whatever it is, the idea is the same: have the courage and be not afraid.

Judge not...

Stop uncharitably judging others, their dates, and their relationships, and you will stop worrying about being judged by others. Don't worry about what other people think about you and your first few dates with another person.

If other people are busy judging you and your date in an uncharitable way, it is more of a tell about them than yourself. This doesn't mean you won't need judgment in dating. You will need judgment. Judgment helps us to recognize the red flags in dating and relationships. What we do not want to do is pass unfair and uncharitable judgments on others (this could include your date too!).

Be reasonable.

Since perfectionism has unreasonable expectations and goals, take some time, and figure out what reasonable expectations look like in a date, spouse, and intimate relationship. If you haven't had good examples of this in your life from your parents, then find someone you can talk to about having realistic expectations. If you are a list maker, give your list to a trusted friend to see if you are reasonable in your expectations.

If you haven't already, start spending time in Adoration talking to God about this. You can also talk to God about this while exercising, walking, cooking, or fishing. You need God's feedback and insight on this. Don't block Him out. God already knows how imperfect we are. 

Talk to someone!

When we can't seem to shake the perfect, don't forget to seek out help. Sometimes having someone who is not emotionally involved and can give an outside perspective on things is beneficial to our personal growth. This is kind of like a coach or personal tutor who can help you in ways you didn't realize. This person can either be a counselor, spiritual director, or a trusted friend.

Ideally, these individuals can help tackle the issue from different but complementary perspectives. Keep in mind, you will need to be open with these individuals, and for a person with perfectionism, it might just be that first act of courage required to start on a journey away from the “perfect” and to the good. The benefit of either counseling or spiritual direction is that they can help you think differently, encourage us when we fail, and double-check that our expectations are reasonable.

And finally…

There is a proverbial elephant in the room. Jesus tells us to “be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” How do we reconcile Jesus’ command to be perfect with perfectionism? It seems like Jesus is encouraging perfectionism. He isn’t, well, at least not in the way we understand perfectionism and being a perfectionist. 

Traditionally understood, this passage is meant to help us realize that on this side of heaven we can’t be perfect, and anything that resembles God’s perfection of us will be by His grace. That is, when we try to be perfect on our own, we land in the realm of perfectionism, which hinders our growth and allows us not to flourish. Whereas, if we allow God to perfect us, by means of His grace, then we grow and only then we flourish.

Keep in mind the motivations as to why we date. In the long run, we date because we want an intimate relationship that will lead to marriage. Perfectionism in a marital setting will only hinder growth and intimacy. Any successful marriage involves being vulnerable, overcoming fears, having good communication, and having the courage to keep “perfectionism” out and the One who is Perfect in.