Don't Demonize People Who Don't Want to Date You

That awkward moment when you hear a rumor about yourself.

“I used to think Ella was hot stuff until I got to know her. Now I wouldn’t wish her on any friend of mine,” a man in the local Catholic young adult community texted to a close friend of mine. 

It was the middle of quarantine, and it had been months since I last saw or spoke to this man. There was no way that he deserved to say he really knew me. By “get to know her,” he meant that he realized I wasn't interested in dating him.

If he wrote these words to a friend of mine, then what was he willing to say to my acquaintances or to strangers? 

They are allowed to reject you. 

We’ve all been in a situation like this one, and we’ve likely all been on both sides. It hurts when you find out someone you like isn't interested in you. It’s natural to want to lash out at first...but don’t.  

They are the same person who you liked before you felt the sting of rejection—all that has changed is your feelings. This is particularly problematic in casual situations where you don’t know the other person very well. After all, it's easier to badmouth a casual acquaintance than a friend.

I chatted with Catholic psychologist Dr. Ray Guarendi about this common situation.  

“You're more likely to [lash out] if you personalize. In other words, if you start thinking, ‘The fact that they weren't interested in me is a rejection,” Dr. Ray told CatholicMatch. “You don't know that—you have no idea if it's a rejection. Even if it is a rejection, so what? They are allowed to reject you. That doesn't have anything to do with your image in God's eyes.” 

While it might be a difficult pill to swallow, no one is required to date you—no matter how much you think a relationship would be good. I’ve felt like demonizing men who said they weren’t interested in dating me, trying to justify the rejection by emphasizing their flaws in my mind and sometimes in conversation with my friends. We must be careful not to blur the line between confiding in a friend to ease our pain and telling everyone far and wide how awful the person who rejected us is. 

Not everyone is a match. 

Both men and women can fall prey to internalizing rejection—or what we receive as a rejection. You start to believe that if this person doesn’t want to be with you, then no one will want to be with you. While it might be hard to believe sometimes, that’s simply not true. 

“One person might not want to go out on a date with you because of your personality or your qualities, while another person might find those very same qualities and your personality quite appealing,” continued Dr. Ray. “So the idea that someone can't relate to who you are is irrelevant because another person might relate very well to exactly who you are. It's foolish to think you can be appealing to everybody.” 

As Dr. Ray points out, if someone turns down a date, it simply means you aren’t a good fit for each other. People make decisions about who they’ll date for good reasons and for bad reasons. Whatever the reason, the Christian response is to say a prayer and move on. We can’t demonize someone because they hurt our feelings or our pride.

Rumors plant seeds of distrust and division.

If you do begin spreading rumors about someone after a rejection, it’s a sin. What might feel like idle words to blow off steam become truth in the minds of others. To lie about another person—and to deliberately destroy their good name—is the sin of calumny. Even if the things are true, to share them without good reason is detraction, and it’s also a serious sin.

Pope Francis calls calumny, which along with detraction fall under the eighth commandment, a “diabolical cancer” that impacts the whole body of the church. He addressed the topic in his September 25, 2019, general audience in St. Peter’s Square.    

"We know that calumny always kills,” Pope Francis declares. “This 'diabolical cancer' of calumny—born from a desire to destroy a person's reputation—also assaults the rest of the ecclesial body and seriously damages it when, for petty interests or to cover their own faults, (people) unite to sully someone."

Pope Francis speaks the truth. When you spread rumors about people, it creates division in the community. Once someone hears rumors about themselves, they start to wonder who they can and cannot trust. When you plant seeds of distrust, it can push people away from their Catholic communities. 

What should you do if you hear rumors about yourself?

Dr. Ray has some very simple advice for people who hear rumors about themselves.

“All you have to worry about it is if the rumors are true. If they're not true, forget it,” says Dr. Ray matter-of-factly. “if you link your peace to whatever anybody could say about you and to those who would believe it, you'll be at their mercy.”