When It's Okay to Settle (And When You Never Should)

Throughout history when people looked for a spouse, their considerations were largely practical.

A man might think to consider whether a woman was sensible, kind, a good cook, and willing to work to raise a family. A woman might consider whether a man was a hard worker and could make a decent living, if he was solid and sober-minded, and did he own a house or would she have to live with his mother? Both had to consider someone who lived fairly close to them—same town or village or reasonable distance. They had to find the other person generally likable.

These days our lists of requirements are far more complicated. We want someone who is funny, shares all the same hobbies, is within a particularly narrow age bracket, gets along with all our friends, has a good job in a city we like, and, is of course, hot. They HAVE to be good-looking. But, most of all, we are holding out for the epic-love-story. We want a romcom-worthy feeling of falling in love. What is the meet cute we will tell our children and grandchildren? We want a fairytale (with a good soundtrack). 

While certainly, I am not suggesting anyone marry for money or for a house or to fulfill outside expectations, I do think that postmodern singles could do with a dose of pragmatism. The tendency of our generation is to set the bar so high that we disqualify really solid and wonderful people who would make faithful and loving spouses because of things that may not be all that important in contributing to the success of a marriage. So, here are five things you should settle about and five things you should not.

You should settle about:

1. Looks.

Sure, you have an ideal in your head—your “type” as it were. But does being 6’2” with blue eyes and perfect hair make him a better husband? Does looking great in a bikini make her a better wife? Listen, I get it. You want to be with someone you are attracted to and there is nothing at all wrong with that. But perhaps consider broadening that definition. Looks change, people get older, hair becomes gray, wrinkles are inevitable. Consider not disqualifying someone immediately who isn’t your ideal.

2. Career.

Research shows that the average person changes careers 5-7 times before they retire. You may marry an accountant who ends up being a photographer. Your lawyer may end up teaching. Who knows! While you may desire a person with ambition, drive, and vision, don’t hitch your dreams to what they DO, rather than on who they ARE.

3. Their past.

As the saying attributed to St. Augustine goes, “There is no saint without a past and no sinner without a future.” We have all done things we regret. Thankfully, we have the beautiful and powerful Sacrament of Reconciliation. In the Confessional Jesus really does become for us the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. He doesn’t just cover them, he doesn’t just choose to overlook them.

Rather, he removes them from us as far as the East is from the West! So the person you date has a past? Look at who they are now. Are they oriented toward virtue? Are they striving to live in a state of grace? Choose the present and the future over the past.

4. Hobbies.

You and your spouse should have some things you enjoying doing together. Also, you should have some things you enjoy doing apart. Do not feel that in being with someone that you have to give up parts of yourself. If your ideal Saturday is reading in bed with a cup of tea and your spouse’s idea is mountain biking with friends, it is OK to spend Saturday doing separate things. A committed couple is secure apart, as well as together.

5. Where You Live.

According to US Census data the average person is expected to move over 11 times in their life. Where you live is not nearly as important as how you live or with whom you live. Jobs, health, family commitments, family size, and need for adventure all play a role in where you life. Being open to new possibilities of places is a good way to practice the healthy detachment the saints are always talking about.

You should not settle about:

1. Faith.

There is nothing to be compared with sharing your faith with your spouse, to seek God together, and to help one another to heaven. Marrying someone who doesn’t share the same vision of a future in heaven will drastically change the way you life your day-to-day life on earth. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love Jesus as much as you do.

2. Character.

Observe the person you are dating. How do they treat others? Especially look at how they treat others who have nothing to offer them—little children, the disabled, other drivers on the interstate, people waiting with them in the grocery line, the waitress at the diner. Is your date kind? Do they show honor, preferring others as better than themselves? (Philippians 2) If someone is a jerk to strangers, they will soon be the same with you. 

3. Friendships.

Do your friends like the person you are dating? If not, you may need to take a step back and find out why. Remember that your friends have been with you a long time, they likely know you better than anyone. If they don’t like the person you are dating, don’t just brush that off. You want to date someone who will move into your social circle and make friends with those you already love.

4. Desired family size.

If you have always dreamed of having a large family, but the person you are dating wants the one-and-done, that is not your spouse. Don’t compromise your vision for future family life. You may settle now only to resent that decision and your spouse later.

5. Addictions, regardless of kind.

Addiction is a vicious thing that eats alive the person who is addicted and the one who loves them. If you know from the outset of your relationship that the person you are dating is struggling with addiction—particularly if he or she does not admit it or is not getting the help they need—reconsider entering into that battle.

We all have our battles to fight and God gives us the grace for those. You may not be given the grace to fight another’s battle. Reconsider and don’t settle for someone who isn’t free or who isn’t fighting for their own freedom. Your love will not save them. That is what Jesus is for.

GK Chesterton famously wrote, “I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”

So don’t let settling get a bad rap. Get to know someone a little bit before you decide you could not make a happy life with them. Sometimes love grows slowly and beautifully.