5 Clues That You're Dating Your Future Spouse

“Is this the one?”

It’s the fundamental question everyone asks themselves when dating someone. There are rarely lightning bolts from Heaven that announce who “the one” is (at least not that I’ve ever experienced or heard of).

As much as getting input from family and friends is valuable, no one else can make the decision but you. It’s a big leap of faith. And while there might not be “signs” in the sense of an infallibly delivered message from the Almighty, there are certainly little clues planted within the relationship. 

The best clues are not always the big things. Of course, it’s important to have big-picture agreement on questions of faith, morals, and anything else someone considers a must. But there’s a difference between a dealbreaker and a dealmaker. Dealbreakers are usually about big things. Dealmakers are often the clues rooted in little things. Here are five clues you’re dating your future spouse…

1. Subtle Moments

The way I can think of to illustrate this is to share an experience when my wife and I first started communicating. We were doing a video date, prior to meeting in person. There was just something about the way she sort of shifted in her chair with a cup of coffee. It was just the kind of shift in position we all do to stay comfortable.

This happened over six years ago, and that moment stays with me today. It just attracted me to her. I wish I could give something more concrete than that. All I can say is that when you have this moment you’ll know it. 

2. Coincidences

There were other things in that conversation and a couple of the phone conversations that preceded our face-to-face meeting that are easier to quantify. There were some significant coincidences in the ways our lives had unfolded that made it seem like God was guiding us along towards each other.

I believe coincidences like these—and the chemistry that can arise from them—are like the raw material of a relationship. It’s something that God provides for us as an indicator that, however things turn out, we’re at least on the right track for now. A big part of deciding how it turns out is the effort that we put into shaping that raw material. 

3. You Enjoy The Silence

Long-distance relationships are more common at a place like CatholicMatch, and in an “LDR”, it’s natural to want to jam as much conversation as possible into every face-to-face meeting. That’s understandable and even necessary. But when you’re married to someone, there are going to be long stretches of really not saying anything—or at least anything beyond the mundane.

How do you feel when you sit in the same room with this person, maybe one of you scrolling your phone and the other reading a book? Does it feel natural, like there’s no place you’d rather be? That’s a pretty good clue that this person might be your future spouse. 

4. You Can Fight Well

Every couple has disagreements. The couple that doesn’t have disagreements, which leads to some tension, is heading for trouble—because it means at least one of the parties is suppressing all their feelings, and that suppression is not something that lasts forever. The other extreme is the couple that almost seems a little scary when they fight, when the disagreement is expressed in ways overly venomous or personal. 

In the happy middle is the couple who can get the tension out in the air and live through the discomfort that lingers in the immediate aftermath. If things are said that shouldn’t be, there can be apologies made and neither person buys into the Big Lie that whatever the other person might have said in anger represents “their true feelings”. A couple that fights well can air it out, clean up the mess and move on.

5. They Wear Annoyance Well

We all have habits that people are going to consider annoying, especially when living under the same roof day after day, year after year. Working through the annoyance is one of the ways the marriage vocation provides us with opportunities to earn merit before God.

When the person you’re with is getting under your skin, and you not only still love them, but even find their annoying habits to be…let’s just say kind of cute…then that’s a very good sign that you’re in a relationship that can go the distance. 

This is no magic formula.

No one but you can decide when it’s time to take the leap of faith, to step out on the water like St. Peter on the Sea of Galilee, needing to keep one’s eyes focused squarely on Christ. Some of the clues that tell you when it’s time are woven into your relationship as little things.