How Kids Make Marriage Better!
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The modern world is full of reasons and advice on why you shouldn’t have children.
One of these false notions is that children will harm your marriage. The time and energy it takes to raise little ones supposedly detract from your love for each other.
Nothing could be further from the truth. My parents witness to this—their marriage is strong and a fantastic example to other Catholics, and somehow their nine kids didn’t drive them apart.
In fact, they’ve always said: couples who choose to not have children are missing out. My husband and I just welcomed our own son, and we totally agree with them. In fact, we strongly believe that having children actually makes our marriage better. Let’s explore why!
Disclaimer: This article is not a dismissal of infertile couples, who are just as much a family as any other. Remember, children can come to a couple in a variety of ways: biological, adoptive, or foster. These truths can apply to any of these!
Kids make marriage better because...
- You get outside of yourselves to yet another common goal. The whole getting-each-other-to-heaven thing is a lot more palpable when you have a little soul tagging along. You are both completely responsible for the innocent, tiny person, and you are their entire world. It’s a big assignment, and it keeps your priorities in check. Pretty much every decision will affect your child, and you both naturally begin putting his needs over your own wants. What better way to get outside of your own selfishness?
- You see the world for the first time all over again. Suddenly the sink is fascinating and showers are playtime. Grass is the highlight of the day, and spoons replace scrolling on phones. When your baby is experiencing everything for the very first time, everyday things are full of exciting mysteries. And you, as a parent, see the ordinary adventures all over again! Having a baby strips adult indifference from everyday life and replaces it with wonder. There are blessings everywhere!
- You have every freedom to be goofy in public. What makes marriage better than being weird wherever you are? You basically have an excuse to sing loudly, dance around, or make silly faces. Just tack on the phrase “We’re playing with the baby” and boom, you are instantly socially acceptable. Even if people do shoot you some funny looks, you no longer care!
- You become way more present in each moment. There will always be something to pay attention to, little hands wanting to play and tiny feet learning to walk. If you’re invested in your family, your focus will instinctually narrow and deepen to be totally present for each little milestone. This focus also happens in those slow moments like rocking the baby to sleep, or having a cup of coffee with your spouse before the toddler wakes up. This present-mindedness affects you as a couple, too! Every moment you get alone together counts, and you’ll feel more connected than ever. Though you’re busier than ever before and maybe even see each other less, the quality of your togetherness skyrockets because of this.
- You are instantly the coolest people ever . . . to your baby. Ever want a fan club? Bam, you have one. Every day, my husband wakes up to little squeals waiting for his response. Anytime I walk into the room, I get grins and giggles. Whenever we walk away, there is the baby following as fast as he possibly can. (Which really isn’t very fast, right now his mobility is on par with a beached sea turtle.) Every child’s world is his parents, and ipso facto, you gain celebrity status.
- Birth together is a ridiculously bonding experience. And you think you feel close to your spouse now. Giving birth is simultaneously thrilling and painful—the same can be said of adoption, by the way. There’s the first news that you have a baby on the way, months of agonizing (and often very sick) waiting, and then the limbo of actual labor. You know the baby is almost here, but there is still so much worrying and work to do, and you STILL don’t know exactly when you can hold him for the first time. Going through such an intense and sometimes dangerous experience side-by-side really cements your reliance on your spouse.
- Family and friends become more involved/invested in your marriage. Marriage is a social institution, and when you add a baby, everyone wants to join in the excitement! The entire first month after my son was born, my husband and I had company every day. With all the loved ones visiting, we naturally caught up on each other’s lives. This involvement is really good for you as a couple, because it allows you to not only do something besides change diapers and feed the child, but also reconnect with your community. With more investment from family and friends, you both have a stronger support network, people to turn to in the rough times, and best of all, you can share the baby joy with everyone!
- Romance increases when the trappings fade. For instance, you might not get flowers for Valentine’s Day, but you’re swept off your feet by your husband taking the baby at 5 AM for you. Or perhaps your wife sends you to guy’s night instead of date night because you need a break. Nope, those things don’t sound very romantic, but they really are once you’re a parent. Romance is really in the little things. You can find romance a lot more often when you’re looking for it everywhere. Just don’t neglect the fancy things ALL the time, they’re still important occasionally!
- You never have to worry about small talk again! A baby is an instant ice breaker. Plus, if you don’t like the people you’re around, you just talk to your child instead. (Yes, I’m an introverted melancholic. How could you tell?)
So don't let fear of the unknown steal the joys that lay before you.
Maybe you’re worried about the baby on the way, or the idea of children frightens you, or you’re waffling about trying for adoption. However overwhelming having kids may seem (and sometimes it is overwhelming!), just remember all these ways children actually improve your marriage. Don’t fall for the falsehoods modern society preaches about children hurting your marriage! Selfishness kills marriages, so if you want your marriage to thrive, fill it with generosity. Generosity to each other, generosity to others, and generosity to life. It will be the adventure of a lifetime!
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