When To Go On a Second Date

You've read articles about first dates and how important it is to get them right.

This article is about second dates, specifically, how to tell if you should go on another date after the first date didn't set your heart awhirl.

Obviously, there are clear times to say no to a second date—like if the person made you wait in the cold as payback because you took so long to get ready (true story). This is known as "What a jerk." Don't date it and certainly don't sign up for it for the duration of the one and only life you get.

What if a first date was not bad but not all that great? What if there were awkward pauses and the feeling of—Now what do we talk about? What if you thought—Nice person but I'm not feeling it. Should you attempt a second date?

Maybe.

The most common complaint after a bad first date outside of "What a jerk" is simply that there was no chemistry. You aren't attracted to the person. You can't imagine holding hands with the person, cuddling up with the person, much less climbing into the same bed with the person.

That is when a lot of people head straight for the friend zone. Not so fast!

I know people, actual people, who are my friends or members of my family, who ended up happily married to people who, after the first date, they wanted to lock in the friend zone and throw away the key.

One told me, "I just went on a date with a great guy. I would love to get to know him better but I can't see myself dating him."

Luckily the guy was a go-getter and had, at the end of the first date, asked for a second. The girl went just because she said she would. "But that's going to be it. I'm bummed because he really is a great guy." She didn't want to lead him on.

Blah blah blah! It's not leading someone on. It's giving someone a chance. A real chance.

Most people take longer than two and a half hours to get to know. Remember when we were five, and another five year old showed up at the playground? Instant friends! We're not like that anymore.

Plus, the situation is often wrong.

You go out for an expensive dinner in a place that oozes romance when you really should have started with coffee in a bookstore. But even if you got that right, new situations are usually awkward. They bring you out of your comfort zone.

And how are you at getting to know people in general? Do you have any friends you got a completely wrong impression of the first time you met them who are now your best friends? I do.

What if you had said about those friends—"Oh, we'll never be close. It just isn't meant to be" then you walked away, certain of your divine omniscience? Too bad! You wouldn't have those friends now.

Probably the biggest obstacle to getting to know someone is your own hopes. I'm like this when I shop for dresses, which is why I hate shopping. I can just picture the ideal dress and then I go out and look for it. But no dresses ever look like the dress that is hanging in my brain. Of course not! It's so much better to think of what generally works for me, see what's available, then try things on.

Even then, the dressing room is always awkward. The lighting is bad, I'm wearing brown socks, the static from the dress makes my hair stick straight out. I look terrible.

But there's potential. A first date is often like that.

No person is ever going to look or feel like the ideal that is in your brain. Instead, think of the sort of person you generally like, see who is available, and give the person a try. Accept the awkwardness. That's just how dressing rooms and first dates are. Think potential. You might not know for sure until you give them a second try. And possibly a third.

There is no reason—other than, "What a jerk" to have the "I don't like you that way" talk after just one date. Maybe you don't like the person that way now but you might if you went on a second date.

So don't cut and run just because you didn't feel that spark on your first date. Falling in love can only happen when you really know someone. That takes time.