Bargain Less & Embrace More: How to Navigate Love with Chronic Illness

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Compatible comes from the Latin word compati, meaning, ‘to suffer with.’ If you are unwilling to suffer with someone until death do you part, then you are not compatible.” - Jason Evert

Do physical, mental, and emotional challenges impact dating, relationships, and marriage? Yes. Should they? Yes!

Why? Because you want that special someone who’s willing to suffer, support, challenge, and grow with you through it all. People have different ideas of what that looks and feels like. And certain perspectives and attitudes are more “compatible” than others.

As the years of my life unfold, my medical record lengthens.

I began my earthly life with a chronic health condition. After almost three decades of living with a renal condition, I’ve accumulated new diagnoses and navigated additional procedures and treatments. My life isn’t over. My ability to love isn’t less. It may be even more. But the manner in which God calls me to love will require a unique type of spouse. How did I better accept my role as daughter of the King? Years of experience, some heartbreak, and an insightful Catholic counselor have all helped.

There is something to maturation. I’m young enough at twenty-eight to not accept the status quo, challenge the system, and fight passionately for my goals, dreams, and desires. But I’m also old enough that experience has taught me invaluable life lessons. I’m much kinder to myself than I used to be and more at peace with who I am...the real person who I am. Not the person I could be if most realities of my life changed. I bargain less and embrace more.

So, for those of us with a chronic illness, what does this mean for romantic relationships?

Learn to recognize what you can change and what you cannot change.

Are there days when I wished I woke up minus a few health conditions and the symptoms I experience? Sure. That is an understandable response.

But, at the rising or end of the day, I have no real control over my diagnosis. What I do have control of is being as healthy and whole as possible. I eat better. I exercise. I avoid allergens or irritants that may aggravate symptoms. I stress less or at least attempt to. I seek professional help when needed. I relax. I have a clean and healthy living space. I engage in mental and physical activities that are enjoyable. I spend time with family and friends. I work.

Take each day by day. Slow down and smell the roses, feel the breeze brushing your cheek, and laugh when snowflakes land on your nose.

Don’t beat yourself up when you can’t live up to personal, external, or the culture’s expectations.

If you have one or multiple chronic illnesses like me, you can’t be someone else or wish you were someone else. You are just you. And that is good.

Many days your physical, mental, and emotional health will dictate your day, the activities you engage in, and your daily priorities. Don’t feel inadequate because you stayed home while your friends went out for a drink. Don’t apologize for eating or drinking or doing whatever you need to differently in order to care for yourself.

You aren’t less of a person because you have “limitations” and “weaknesses” or “special circumstances.”

Don’t compare yourself to others, “should haves” or “could haves.”

This mindset is detrimental to anyone, but a killer to a person with chronic illness. Whether you’re perfectly healthy or not, you are beautiful, lovable, and good.

For years after I graduated from college, I beat myself up because I couldn’t be and accomplish how I imagined or in the manner my peers did. My mental aptitude was there but the physical was more elusive. Five years out of college, I learned my worth isn’t tied to my worldly accomplishments. Life is a beautiful and challenging surprise.

You are lovable. Worthy of love and being loved.

My love life has been tumultuous. I seethed or cried or questioned my dignity when men said rude, shallow, shortsighted, and hurtful comments regarding my health and worth. Then I realized it was more about their issues and less about mine.

I changed my dating approach. I stopped apologizing. I stopped justifying. I stopped tolerating dumb, mean comments. Yes, this thinned out my prospects, and good riddance. A man will enter my life who loves me even more for myself, not less, than those other men who feared what my health conditions meant.

Again, don’t compare your love life to others. You aren’t less of a couple or less loving because you can’t or shouldn’t appear in a certain manner, go to certain events, etc. Don’t do yourself or the one whom you love this disservice.

God has a beautiful and personal love story just for you and your future spouse. Open yourself up to the possibilities. In the movie October Baby, Officer Mitchell states, “To be human is to be beautifully flawed.” How are you beautifully flawed? And how does God want to use those flaws to transform your relationships and glorify Him?

May God bless you & keep you!

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