What Does “When You Know, You Know!” Even MEAN?

You’re probably sick to death of the following situation.

It somehow comes up in conversation, the question of how a married couple fell in love. In response, all they do is look at each other knowingly and say in response:

“When you know . . . you know!”

“Not helpful!” you want to shout. It is such useless advice.

But did you know “when you know, you know” is also a very real thing?

Let’s rewind a little and get a few baselines in place.

Let’s go over what “knowing” is NOT:

• Infatuation with a new person
• Desperation to get married
• The honeymoon stage of romance
• A magical lightning bolt from God
• The same for every person or couple

To equate “knowing” you’ve met your match with any of these things is simply confusion. And it’s easy to do—there are plenty of people who mistake high emotions, urgency, or attraction for “knowing.” But most of these things are fleeting, based in fear or insecurity, and lack self-reflection. “Knowing” also looks different for every person, so put to rest the myth that there’s some secret rite-of-passage revelation each couple receives during their dating phase.

“When you know, you know!” looked very different from these myths for my husband and I. You see, I have a really hard time letting people do things for me, especially when I can’t return the favor and do the same thing in return. So allowing my then-boyfriend to move cross-country and give up his whole life elsewhere to pursue me was a really big deal. For my husband, he had the same conviction in how he was willing to leave everything and everyone behind to do just that.

Other couples’ “know” moments might look something like this:

• A sense of comfort and security in the relationship you never felt with others
• Discovering a profound shared faith you didn’t think was possible
• Knowing you’d rather be single forever than married to someone who wasn’t this person
• Realizing you’d rather work through the challenges together instead of looking for a different relationship
• Feeling like you can finally be yourself, and not worry about whether the other person thinks less of you
• Finding yourself wanting what’s best for them, regardless of what it means for you
• Realizing you’d sacrifice anything else in your life for them
• Thinking this relationship is just different and in the best way possible

Here’s the thing: “When you know, you know” isn’t meant to be advice. It’s a statement of how “knowing” looks different for every person. The commonalities all the possible realizations have is that a) something is different about this relationship, and b) it’s worth your commitment. Your “know” moment might be one thing. There might be several. It might happen early on. Multiple could happen consecutively through the relationship. But (wait for it) you will know. 

Real “knowing” is based around you two as specific people, not a sense of desperation or infatuation with romance itself. It is from a place of hope and trust, not fear of being alone. And it comes with a sense of patience, not urgency. Furthermore, nobody else can “know” for you, and you can’t logic your way into “knowing,” either. (We’ve all heard “it looks fine on paper, but it just doesn’t feel right!” from people.)

“When you know, you know!” isn’t useless advice. It’s not advice AT ALL. It is merely a way to express what most couples can’t put into words.

So as a single person, what do you do with all this?

The best (real) advice I can give you is to learn to know yourself. Self-reflection, prayer, and watching your own behavior are great preparations to be ready when that something-different-and-worth-commitment shows up. Why? If you take the time to study yourself, you are far less likely to be confused about those fleeting emotions and such we discussed earlier.

You will also be more likely to recognize when something is a really big deal for you, and be prepared to make big decisions and commitment regarding it. God will work through your self-reflection and help you grow and prepare for big things like this. Because that’s what marriages are built on—love, another special person, and a big leap of faith.

And if all else fails, just trust that when you know, you really will know.