Infatuation Might Be Keeping You Single

It isn't wrong to long for a relationship that starts with a "magic" spark.

One of mine started at a brewery. A Catholic parish had booked me to speak at a Theology on Tap. Before my talk, as young adults ordered flights of craft beer and I unpacked and stacked a bunch of books, a man approached the venue's glass door. While he walked in, we made eye contact, and something I never expected actually happened.

The world stopped. 

I couldn't hear the crowd around me. Nobody seemed animated other than that man and me. And I swear this isn't hyperbole. I felt as if somebody pressed mute and pause. My mind went blank, except for one thought: "Thank you, Lord."

Some call what I felt infatuation. Others call it "love" at first sight (I don't believe in that). And I get why somebody would want it. Early, instant, constant chemistry is nice. Being left breathless by a person's presence is a moving experience.

It is fueled by the sexual urge St. John Paul II says is meant to turn us toward another and away from self. But if you find yourself walking away from relationships because you don't feel it at all or anymore, your search for it might be keeping you single.

You may be banking your relationships on a factor that's insufficient.

If we chiefly seek intensity, we'll probably overlook people who have what we need and we'll probably date a bunch of people who don't. There's a reason fires that can't be contained are called "emergencies." It's normal for intensity to wax and wane, for feelings to ebb and flow. It's possible for chemistry to grow. Instant, constant connection may distract us from discerning whether our values align, or whether dating each other makes sense emotionally, spiritually, financially, logistically, or whether we actually even like this person.

I had never before felt what I felt at the brewery. I haven't felt it as intensely since. Do you know what I think that probably means? Nothing. Did we date each other? Yes. Did our relationship last? No. In fact, I knew right away that I wanted almost every guy whose relationship with me has ended, including all the ones that ended as Dumpster fires. As it turns out, knowing right away that you want someone is insufficient—if even necessary—for deciding a relationship is a good idea. Instant intensity is inadequate for predicting that a relationship will last.

Plus you may be waiting to feel something you'll never feel.

In his dating book The Sacred Search, author Gary Thomas says "some people are more genetically predisposed to 'fall in love' more often and more intensely." But what you can feel may not depend solely on genetics. It could depend on lots of other factors, like past experiences, or whether you're in a state of consolation or desolation, or whether you've had an addiction to pornography, which is a supernormal stimulus, according to the Gottman Institute.

A supernormal stimulus evokes a reaction that a "normal" stimulus can't. If a person is routinely exposed to supernormal stimuli like pornography, then normal stimuli—like sex with his or her spouse—won't do anymore what it once would for that person. This is how porn rewires the brain. And for some people, the effects aren't limited to sex. Have we considered that pornography may impair a person's ability to feel infatuated? This is one of many reasons to meet with a licensed therapist if this is your struggle.

If it isn't, there still might be another reason infatuation is keeping you single.

Your search for it might be underlain by an uncomfortable truth: You may not be as interested in dating as you think you are.

What you don't feel, such as constant infatuation, may not be as relevant as what you do feel when you're around a new love interest. Do you have fun together or do you dread seeing him or her? Are you attracted to this person or a little repulsed? There's a difference between disliking a person and liking a person without being obsessed. It's OK to see if feelings intensify as we get to know the people we like. But it's not OK to date the people we don't—and you don't have to date at all if you don't want to.

But because we aren't always honest with ourselves, some who don't want to date do it anyway. A lot already know that an intimate relationship will confront them with parts of themselves that are difficult to confront. They might not be ready for that. Others, deep down, might just really enjoy being single. But it's easier to decide they'll commit if and only if a relationship starts with a hard-to-find feeling than to admit they don't want to be in one.

And if you truly do want to be in one and you aren't in one yet, keep looking.

Create a CatholicMatch profile. Say hi to the man or woman you noticed in the church parking lot. Let your friend set you up with another friend.

But as you search, remember what you're actually searching for: a person, created in God's image—not an elusive magic spark.