Don't Fall For This Bad Relationship Advice

The world is full of bad relationship advice.

As such, it is also full of bad relationships.

And while maybe not all of them are REALLY bad relationships, many of them are just sort of....meh. Spend 5 minutes on social media and it is no wonder. People are all too quick to share their relationship issues and then people who are far from relationship experts are always quick to chime in. And, while their advice probably comes from the right place, sometimes it should be taken with a note of caution.

The following are 5 pieces of common relationship advice you should not take:

1. “If you want to be happy in marriage, be prepared to lose every argument.”

This advice was given by a married man to a single man and I joyfully got to hear the single man reply, “No, I don’t intend to lose every argument. There are some arguments you can choose not to fight.”

Going into a relationship with the mindset that you will always be wrong and the other person always right is a terrible foundation for communication. It sets up a culture of disrespect that will not lead to lasting happiness. Saying, “you are always right” is as bad as saying “you are always wrong.”

2. “Your spouse should be your best friend.”

While it is true that friendship is a crucial aspect to lasting love, I take exception with the idea that one person can be all. To make one person your lover, your best and closest friend, your counselor, co-worker, sounding board for everything....well, it is a lot. It is a lot of burden to put on one person and that can lead to relationship burnout.

Absolutely you should foster friendship with your spouse! In the process, though, don’t forget to nurture your other friendships—especially the ones that predate your relationship. Those people who have walked with you a long time and know your good sides and bad, are the ones you will need if your relationship hits a bump in the road. (And all roads have bumps.)

They know when you need empathy and when you need a kick in the pants. So, make sure you make time for the friends you don’t live with. You still need each other. And you will keep needing each other in the future.

3. “Start rewarding inconsistency with unavailability.”

Can you say passive-aggressive? Assuming you know why the other person isn’t communicating as you would like them to and in response turning off your communication is not the way forward. Author and counselor Danny Silk writes in Keep Your Love On, “In a respectful relationship, each person understands, ‘I am responsible to know what is going on inside me and communicate it to you. I do not expect you to know it, nor will I allow you to assume that you know it. And I will not make assumptions about what is going on inside you.’”

Taking responsibility for the way you communicate and accurately expressing it to those you care about is crucial to a mature relationship. The next step is being receptive to the way the other person communicates. Ask for clarification if necessary, but do not assume.

It is a sign of immaturity to respond passive-aggressively by purposefully not responding to texts, not showing up, and not being available. If you cannot or choose not to be available, express that and own that. Don’t make it the other person’s fault.

4) “If they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best.”

Expecting other people to put up with your worst in order to buy time to see you at your best is an excuse for a myriad of bad choices. Someone may love you despite your faults, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to own your problems and work on yourself.

This piece of advice is also often very one-sided. An unhealthy person may expect their partner to put up with their ugly behavior at the same time expecting their partner to never have any ugly behavior of their own. No one wants to be treated poorly by someone they love. If it happens, it should be followed by regret and repentance, rather than justification.

5. “Never go to bed angry.”

I know, I know, this is pretty standard marriage advice. Unfortunately, it is bad advice. While I don’t recommend being nor staying angry with your partner, some disagreements will not resolve before bedtime. I remember staying up way too late rehashing an issue with someone I loved because it was the “right thing to do.”

However, the longer we talked, the less rational the discussion became. The more tired we both became, the more the debate devolved into hurtful comments, name-calling, and raised voices. Such late-night arguments often end with the more affable partner conceding simply for the sake of sleep desperately needed.

If you are tired and the issue is not resolved, it is OK to say, “I love you and I want to resolve this with you. But, I need a break. Let’s pick this up tomorrow after we both have time to sleep and pray.” And then set a time to pick it up again.

The problem with going to bed angry is when the issue is not resolved, but rather just pushed aside or stuffed deep down. You can avoid that by setting a time and place to revisit the issue. A new day, sleep, and fresh eyes can give both of you a new perspective and perhaps a better chance at finding a solution.

How about some good advice?

The world is full of bad relationship advice. Fortunately, there is a piece of indispensable advice you can use to sort it out:

"Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but [also] everyone for those of others. Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:3-5