Are You Going Too Fast? 5 Things to Ask Yourself
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Are you comfortable with where your relationship is going?
I’m not sure where the phrases came from, but it’s common language to reference our dating relationships as “taking it slow,” “moving fast,” or some other reference to the speed. It’s actually a very helpful reference, it communicates the pace and the timeline. A question that frequently comes up in my work with clients is this—How fast is too fast? Conversely, I suppose we could also ask the question, how slow is too slow, but that might be another topic for another article.
I get it—you finally found someone you really like, and they like you too, why the heck wouldn’t you want to move quickly? I’ll also make the disclaimer, that moving quickly isn’t inherently wrong. In fact, I know multiple couples who had a short timeline and now have great marriages. Where the problem may lie, is in an honest reflection of ourselves.
Is this too fast for me?
Does this feel healthy, or are maladaptive tendencies showing up here?
Do I truly know and trust the other person with whom I’m moving quickly?
Sometimes moving too fast can be a red flag.
There are a handful of reasons to be inherently skeptical of moving fast, two of which I’ll name here.
The biggest is what many people call ‘Rose-colored Glasses.’ When you first start dating someone, it is universally true that there is a period of infatuation. No one can be completely objective in their own dating relationship. You are taken by the other person’s charm, good looks, smell (yes, their smell), and especially if the relationship involves any level of physical closeness, your bond with that person.
Our bodies are hardwired for bonding, and when we take in the smells and physical nature of another person, our bonding hormones get triggered, and we become attached. Very helpful for mothers bonding with their babies, for married couples bonding with one another, but can be reason for caution when bonding with someone new.
The second reason, is that in moving quickly, there are certain things that you can never take back, such as sharing intimate information about yourself, bonding physically and perhaps going further than you’d like, and ultimately, getting married. I had a newly-married client once who put it so bluntly, “When you’re married, you are SO married, it doesn’t matter if it’s been a week or 10 years, there is no going back.”
These things, our personal information, our physical bodies, and ultimately our vocations, are big deals! They need to be treated with reverence and care, and while you can always add those things in, you can never take them back once they’ve been shared, hence the need to proceed with intentionality.
So how do you know if you're moving at the right speed?
Again, moving fast with the right person, when you’re both in healthy places, can be a great thing! Here are some practical questions to ask yourself (and your partner) to help assess if you’re in that healthy place, or if this relationship might be moving too fast for you.
1. Am I, or my partner, prone to being impulsive (sudden, involuntary inclinations prompting to action)?
Our impulsions are based on emotions. Easy ways to assess this in yourself is to think of your daily behavior. Do I tend to follow a routine or do I do things when I feel like it? Am I an emotional shopper, or spontaneous when it comes to eating out? Am I a person of my word—does my yes mean yes, or do I frequently ‘flake-out’ on plans or give ambiguous responses? I think you catch my drift….
2. In regards to this relationship, are people who I (or my partner) know and trust, raising any concerns?
If so, they likely aren’t doing it to make themselves feel good. Challenge yourself to hear them out and absorb their objectivity, which you simply cannot have in your own relationship.
3. What’s behind my need to go fast? What am I afraid might happen if we slow it down?
If there is no fear, that’s great! If there is fear that one of you might lose interest, or that in some way shape or form, you won’t be okay, that may be signs of a co-dependent relationship (and an FYI, co-dependence is not a good thing!).
4. Has this pattern of ‘moving fast’ played out in my previous dating relationships?
What about my partner’s? Do either of us tend to ‘crash and burn?’ Is this behavior just my tendency, or am I moving fast with this specific person because I’m confident in our relationship?
5. Am I in a good place in my own life?
Areas to reflect upon are your career/job—do I have a career path, and/or a steady job? Do I have a game plan of where I’m going and where I’d like to be in the next 5 years? Are my other relationships with friends and family healthy and consistent? Do I have meaningful friendships and people other than my partner with whom I can share intimately and feel known by? How is my mental health? If I have mental health concerns, am I actively addressing them with therapy, or am I ignoring them?
Let these questions be your guide.
Ultimately, asking yourself, and your partner, the above five questions will help you assess if you are using your relationship as a distraction/escape, or if you’re both healthy people, in a good place, lucky to have found each other, and ready to move forward. If the latter, how great! Enjoy! Go for it!
If not, your relationship is by no means doomed. However, slowing down and working to address what needs addressing will only serve your relationship in the future. Again, while there are some objective measures to ‘how fast is too fast?” there is a subjective component based upon the couple. I challenge you to be honest and transparent with yourself, and in doing so, I believe you’ll find your answer.
Find Your Forever.
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