The Hardest Part of Dating Is Also the Hardest Part of Marriage

I recently had a conversation with a newly married couple who I met during marriage preparation.

Now that they have a baby, my husband and I are preparing them for the Sacrament of Baptism. When I asked them how they were doing, they commented that the hardest part of being married is just like the hardest part of dating. This sounded intriguing to me and I could hardly wait for them to share their perception.

But, before I tell you what they told me, I want to make a few points that will set up their response.

First, a relationship between a man and a woman always has the potential to be uniquely beautiful. It can draw two people into an acquaintance where they share civility and manners. It can lead them into a friendship where they explore the goodness of shared interests and time. Or it can develop into a marriage where they, as spouses, engage in the intimate exchange of all that they are and have.

Here's my second point. Dating relationships and marriage are both opportunities to love. And what is love? It is one's ability to will the good of the other. It is your capacity to reach outside of your self and commit to what is right, good, true and beautiful for the other.

Here's my final point. Love is the central element of both relationships. The lure of love is the reason that people long to associate with another. We know that love is good for us; that we need it to become fully alive; that it is not good for us to be alone. That is why love can pull us out of our independence and into an interdependence with another person.

Now that I have teased you in, let me reveal what this couple told me.

They said that the hardest part of being married and what they found to be most difficult during dating is choosing to love someone who is not just like us.

I totally burst out laughing when they shared this truism because it is completely, 100% spot on! In just over a year, these newbie spouses had pinpointed the enduring work of any relationship; finding the right way to love "the other" who is a uniquely different person. They recognized that receiving and honoring the other's unique thoughts and expectations, strengths and limitations, needs and wants, would always be a challenge.

Let’s face it. Loving someone who is not just like you requires sacrifice. Every person who has dated or who has married, knows this. You have to have real love in order to rise above your emotional leanings and focus on the other person. Real love shifts your focus from your desires and onto the heart and soul of the other. Most people have no idea how powerful real love is!

Dating tests your level of real love.

And it tests your capability to really will the good of the other. As you spend time together, you will identify several differences that exist between you and assess your capability to face, solve, or live with the issues that can put you asunder. Can you live with his dedicated workout routine? Can you live with her left leaning political views? Can you deal with his mother's daily calls to check in? Can you put up with her lack of attention to detail?

The hardest part of dating is figuring out your common base. Where are you lockstepped together? Where are you evenly yoked? Where do you have each other's back? Are you able to stand face to face and look up to God together when neither of you know which direction to turn?

If you can work through these conflicts and find a common base, then you marry. If you can't, you terminate and try again. But, guess what? God has other conflicts waiting in the wings of your marriage. God uses conflicts and disagreements to help us become less prideful and more humble.

In both dating and in marriage, you learn to die to your self over and over again for the sake of the other.

And this takes great fortitude. Fortitude is the presence of extraordinary assistance from God to stay the course—especially in the face of personal sacrifice. The Catholic Church tells us that fortitude assures firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good. It reaches even to the ability to possibly sacrificing one’s own life for a just cause. (CCC 1808, 1837)

Fortitude is the help that we need to face the hardest part of any relationship. It acts like the glue that keeps two people together so that they can fully find themselves through a sincere gift of self. It provides the moral courage to receive another who is different than we are and to love them no matter what.

Needless to say, this newly married couple is living their vows with their eyes wide open. They are quickly learning that marriage—just like dating—is a daily burden and blessing of dying and rising to something better.