There comes a time when you need to define the relationship.
L and I had been hanging out at the same church for a few months. We were in our twenties and we’d sit together during the worship service and then go out after church for lunch. We’d flirt while eating burgers and strolling the streets with our church friends.
L lived a few blocks away from me, so we started hanging out at her apartment when her roommate wasn’t around. We cooked meals and watched TV shows and talked and laughed.
I enjoyed spending time with L, but wasn’t sure she was “the one.”
Eventually, our “casual hanging out” came to a head. After a few months, L sat me down on her couch and asked if I was interested in dating her. I still wasn’t certain, so I told her I wasn’t ready to date anyone.
It wasn’t true. I just didn’t want to get in a committed relationship with her.
She was a great woman, I just didn’t feel at peace about moving forward officially.
L respected it and let me go. We kept seeing each other at church and social events. It was a little weird after that “define the relationship” conversation, but still cool.
A few months passed. I was feeling lonely and thought about trying an online dating site. I signed up for one and created a profile. A couple of weeks passed and I was matched with a girl. We started communicating. We exchanged numbers. We started talking on the phone.
I told some friends. Word got around… eventually to L.
L called me one day and asked me to come to her apartment. I went over and sat on her couch.
“I’m angry with you,” she said. I shifted, uncomfortable, and asked: “Why?”
“Why do you think?” she asked.
I looked at the floor.
“Because I said I didn’t want to date anyone and then I went online and said I was open to dating?”
“Yes,” she said. She was right. She had a point. She deserved an honest response.
“I said I didn’t want to date anyone,” I said. She looked at me: “What you really meant was…”
I nodded: “I didn’t want to date you.”
I felt awful. Nobody wants to hurt someone else.
That’s why we all try to avoid hard conversations and why we “ghost” people. Avoid conflict. Avoid hurting someone.
To attempt a dating relationship with L when I wasn’t certain would not have been fair or healthy to either of us. And yet… I was not completely honest with her.
She was honest with me about her feelings and desires. She wanted to explore dating me and she said so. I wasn’t ready, so I tried to avoid hurting her feelings by saying I wasn’t ready to date anyone.
Like I said, that wasn’t true. I was hoping, like most people, to find someone to date and eventually marry. I just wasn’t certain it was L.
I should have been honest and upfront with her.
I should have said I did not want to move forward with her. It would have hurt her feelings, but it would have been honest.
Last I heard, L found a good guy and married him. I want her to be insanely happy. Just because we discerned we weren’t supposed to be with a particular person at a particular time in our life doesn’t mean that person is not incredible. I love L and pray only the happiest for her.
What’s the point of all this? We will not have it all figured out when dating.
We will sometimes feel attracted to someone, but not necessarily comfortable about committing to a permanent relationship with them.
If we feel that lack of ease, it’s a good thing.
We should never commit to something we don’t feel peace about. But when we don’t feel that peace, we should also respect the person by being honest.
The old “It’s not you, it’s me” refrain sounds like a lame excuse. But sometimes it’s actually true. I am not ready to move forward with you. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It just means it’s not right for us, however attracted we may be to each other.
That was when I was in my twenties. Today, I’m in my forties. I’m happily married to an amazing woman. Life is not what I expected. It was a big explosion of naive dreams and romantic expectations.
After the smoke cleared, I sifted around and found love. Not just warm feelings, though they are real too. But actual love… a commitment to live each day with another person in service and love.
I regret not being honest with L upfront. I enjoyed our time together and was content to coast along.
But at a certain point, I realized she wanted more and I didn’t cut it off. That was not fair to her.
The 90’s Christian band "The Normals" had a song called “We Go On” with the lyrics:
“We’re children playing with guns
Children playing with hearts”
That’s a good analogy. The heart and feelings and hopes and expectations are not a lightweight thing.
We need to respect and honor and protect each other, not just keep “hanging out” because it’s pleasant for us.
If you are flirting with someone and having a good time but you suspect they want more and you don’t, pray for the courage and strength to do the right thing. Be honest with them. It will be painful in the moment, but the moment will pass. And years later, you may find that both of you dodged a bullet and found someone who was actually right for you.
Find Your Forever.
CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.
