How to Kindly Turn Someone Down

No one likes feeling rejected.

Being turned down for a date is not fun at all. It is often uncomfortable and messy for both men and women.

I have had lots of first dates lately where I did not feel comfortable being open to a second date (for a variety of reasons). Something that was in common with all those dates was how I kindly yet honestly let them know I was not interested in a future date.

May I be honest with you?

I know none of us like doing this, but we have to be able to say “no thank you” with honesty and authenticity. Playing games, ghosting, being manipulative, or just avoiding doing the uncomfortable thing is not kind and to be frank, it is just plain mean.

Regardless of whether you are not interested in getting to know someone further, there is a kind way to turn someone down for a date.

One of my close girlfriends is also in the same stage of life as myself, and together, we are navigating the waters of online dating as Catholics. She has done a lot of growth work with online dating coaches. What she is learning, she shares with me. As I apply it to my dating journey, I find myself trusting myself better, noticing red flags quicker, and really learning how just being my authentic self will attract a good man into my life.

One of the best things I have learned from my friend is howto kindly turn down a man for a future date.

What to say when turning someone down.

Two compliments wrapped around a statement like this: “My intuition is telling me we are not the right romantic fit.”

Men like to be appreciated, valued, and affirmed. Even if you as a woman know it is not the right romantic fit, you can find two genuine ways to compliment a man who just took you on a date.

Here is an example:

Jason, thank you so much for dinner last night. I appreciated how interested you were in what I shared about my travels. It meant a lot to me that you took the time to pick a fun place to eat. My intuition is telling me that we are not the right romantic fit, and I just wanted to be honest and upfront with you about that.

Now is there an exact science with this? Of course not. Is it foolproof? Nope. Sometimes I tweak it a bit or change some of the wording. I am simply sharing a tool I use from my dating toolbox that I have found helpful.

This honors and appreciates the man in his efforts.

It is respectful, kind, non-shaming, and most importantly, honest. If we want to treat others the way we want to be treated, it requires honesty. I think this is why there is so much drama with dating; people play games and are not honest with each other. If I hate when that happens to me, I am certain men equally dislike when women treat them in that manner.

If a man has taken you on a date (regardless of how good orbad it went), it is the courteous thing to give a kind and honest answer.

Come up with two genuine compliments. I am talking about more than his physical appearance or “you make me laugh.” I have found as I apply this more and more to dating, generally men are very gracious and receptive. Yes, I am sure it hurts and stings for them, but they have always been gracious in what I had to say.

Whether it is this or something else, just remember there is a real person behind the message, text, or phone call you are dealing with. So yes be honest, but always do so with kindness.