To Flirt Or Not To Flirt?

My sisters and I once read in a women's magazine that girls are taught flirting from their mother's knee. That one made us laugh.

Our mother was a staunch Catholic New Englander. She'd sooner knee us from behind than teach us to flirt. Besides, I'm pretty sure she didn't know how herself.

The only thing she ever deliberately taught us about it was: Never do it!

From such extensive training, it seemed clear to me that flirting is something you do on purpose. Otherwise, you couldn't decide not do it, right?

Wrong! My freshman year at a staunch Catholic New England college, I committed the act of flirting without even knowing it. I was standing in a parking lot on a moonlit night talking to a nice looking, manly guy. I had no designs on the guy but gosh it was pleasant to talk to him. Then he started acting weird. He kept raising his right shoulder, cocking his head and grinning.

"Why are you doing that?" I asked.

"Because you are," he said.

Oh dear.

Ahem.

After a slightly profound moment of embarrassment, I thanked the moonlit guy for letting me know. "Now if you'll excuse me," I said, "I'm going out to buy a neck brace."

Here on CatholicMatch, there are no moonlit nights to blame for unplanned flirting. But members sometimes complain that they've been burned. Someone acted interested in them and then abruptly stopped communicating. They are frustrated and feel they've been lead on.

Since I'm not privy to any of those exchanges, I can only imagine why. Could it be that one person was interested in getting to know the other but not as intensely as appeared (or hoped)? Since this is online, understandably, some people will want to be slow and careful. Not only that, they will often want to talk to more than one person at first and get exclusive later.

Are they flirting and then not following up? OR, are they more like me and they just never learned the finer points of flirting? Or even what it is!

Clearly, a definition is in order. Since Webster was a New Englander, what would he know? So I tried the Urban Dictionary. Here is their top definition:

Urban Flirting

"You dinking around with the opposite sex."

What's "dinking around?" Sounds like something my mother would beat me with a rosary for.

I scrolled down further:

"You have to say something that peaks their interest without giving them any concrete ideas."

No concrete ideas. Check. No clue how to spell piques. Check.

But if you really want to talk confusing, how about:

"Even if you don't like someone, it's a fun thing to do. If you like someone, this shows that person that you like them."

I gave up. Maybe mom was right. Just don't do it. All this time I thought she was telling me it was a sin. Maybe it's really just too complicated to figure out. Unless...

Help me, Uncle Webster! What. Is. Flirting?

Flirting by Webster

"To behave in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone..."

Okay, keep talking.

"... But is not meant to be taken seriously."

Wait, it's not serious? Ever?!

Nope. So don't feel betrayed if flirting comes and then goes. That's its nature. It's not a sign of commitment or deep interest. Sometimes it's an involuntary response to an interesting person—moonlit guy. Other times it's a purposeful way to see if someone would be interested in you.

But—sorry to disagree Mom—do use it. Flirting is supposed to be playful and fun. It's supposed to pique someone's interest. And after that, their interest might even peak.