What I Didn't Expect to Learn in the First 5 Years of Marriage

It seemed like in the months before our wedding, my husband, Aaron, and I were bombarded with advice about “what to expect” in the first years of marriage. On our wedding day, I couldn’t help but think about all those stories and advice...and wonder if we already had it all figured out.

Now, in the midst of our fifth year of marriage, I contend that while much of what we were told was true, the lessons I most value are the ones that I never expected to learn.

Here are my top—unexpected—lessons from our first years of marriage:

1. Building autonomy as a couple is key.

Two months after our wedding day, Aaron and I made a pilgrimage to Rome to receive the sposi novelli blessing. This was not our honeymoon, which we went on right after our wedding. No, this trip had a separate mission—to give our marriage the strongest foundation of grace the Church has to offer. Did people criticize us for taking two separate “vacations” at the beginning of our marriage? Absolutely. But we were convicted, and by God’s grace, the right doors opened for us to do it.

This is a perfect example of the first lesson I didn’t expect to learn: doing your own thing as a couple is vital.

We discovered this more throughout the years that followed, when we found ourselves starting our lives some 600 miles from both of our families. While this was not our initial desire—especially once our first-born arrived—it was crucial in allowing us to form our own family identity.

Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate our families’ presence in our lives...but once you enter the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, your spouse becomes your sole priority, next to God. That means that every decision, every hardship, every joy that comes our way, we face it together. We are each other’s first, best, and forever community.

2. Suffering is a blessing.

Two months before our 1st anniversary, our son was born. In the midst of the joy of new life came the great cross of suffering. From a risky pregnancy to a harrowing postpartum experience, with a colicky baby to boot (see picture), we were swimming in a sea of struggle. In fact, since my pregnancy started just a couple months after our wedding day, our first nearly two years of marriage were colored by the lens of hardship.

One would think, especially in our culture today, that this suffering would’ve put a strain on our relationship. We’ve been taught that suffering is something to be avoided at all costs, or if unsuccessful at fleeing, to bear it ungraciously. But Aaron and I have learned that when embraced, suffering is transmitted into grace. Grace for our children, grace for our own lives, and grace for the love between us.

As I once heard Fr. Mike Schmitz put it, what matters most in a marriage is if you suffer well together.

3. You can’t ever spend “enough” time working on your marriage.

I was under the delusion during our engagement that once we were married, Aaron and I would enjoy endless amounts of quality time together. Maybe if we weren’t blessed with the gift of parenthood so early on, that might’ve been so. But our fast track to changing diapers and not sleeping at night left us longing for the days when we could escape to a mountain-top together (literally, see picture).

We soon realized that if we wanted to feed the fire of our love, we needed to fight for the time to do so. Aaron likes to put it this way: never stop dating your spouse!

I believe this is vital for a marriage in all stages: pre kids, post kids, no kids, and the in-between. A consistent, scheduled date night—whether at home or out on the town—will help your marriage thrive. Once we gave ourselves the freedom to guiltlessly put our marriage ahead of our kids and life’s other demands, it was a game-changer. And by the way, this picture was taken a week ago on an overnight ski date...#winning.

4. “NFP” is really mostly “PFP”—providential family planning.

When we learned about Natural Family Planning during our engagement, we thought it was the answer to everything—a way to remain within the moral teachings of the Church while also maintaining responsibility for our family’s growth.But, when our second child was surprisingly conceived, it caused us to rethink our sense of “control.”

Though 99.5% effective in avoiding a pregnancy (when used correctly), our sweet baby girl fell into that small percentage of NFP uses that make room for Divine Intervention. What we thought we “weren’t ready for” in our marriage—a second child—is now one of our greatest joys. Still, that surprise conception had me wondering if we might soon have a bunch of kids. But a couple years later, my expectations were altered yet again, when pregnancy number three devastatingly ended in a miscarriage.

So, what have I learned? No one can ever fully “plan” out their family. While NFP is a wonderful tool for your marriage when you need it, the best part about it is that it makes room for God to be God. In the end, His plans are what get us to Heaven.

As I think about all these lessons I didn’t expect to learn so early on, I’m grateful for the element of surprise they added. Any expectations one might have going into marriage will likely change or be exceeded, like mine were. And, that’s the beauty of the Sacrament—it can never be predicted. Marriage is a living union—always changing, always growing, and always giving us the makings for sainthood.

Editor’s Note: We are in the middle of Catholic Marriage Week, an important part of National Marriage Week! We will be publishing posts that celebrate the beauty of marriage from now until February 14th. Stay tuned!