5 Rules Catholic Women Should Set for Their Dating Lives

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It seems women tend to fall into two camps with dating: rigid (some might call them “picky”) or open-minded to point that their mind is at risk of falling out. I’m here to bridge the two, and encourage women that while it’s unfair to turn down someone just because he’s not a Catholic version of Brad Pitt, if you’re dating to marry, then who you date is a big deal!

‘Until death do us part’ is a long time, and I promise you this—issues that come up in dating will not resolve themselves on their own once you get married. Marriage is beautiful, but it is also hard, sanctifying, and takes work—so you want to pursue your future spouse with intentionality and purpose.

While you may need to let go of height thresholds, tastes in music, and anything that is truly a preference, here are 5 concise rules that I, with the help of my husband (who I like to think is a pretty normal dude) collated to help you navigate your dating life.

Date someone who genuinely practices his faith.

A shared world view is the bedrock of a solid marriage, and to hope that a guy will eventually take his faith seriously is not an option. If not for trying to impress you, does this person honor the commitment of Sunday Mass? Does he do anything outside of Sunday to foster his faith life? If not, why not? Is he genuinely open to starting?

Two great questions to ask early on to help get a feel for this are: “How do you spend your Sundays?” and/or “What does an ideal Sunday look like for you?” followed with “What are some daily/weekly habits of yours?” Neither is too invasive yet will quickly show how he spends his time and where his priorities lie.

Date someone who will honor (and ideally share) your physical boundaries.

There are many amazing men out there that not only honor another’s but hold strong physical boundaries for themselves—and I want to give them a shout out! However, for every one of those men, there is another who does not hold that standard and will likely push the physical line as far as you’ll let him.

Know what your physical boundaries are and do not date someone who doesn’t honor them. Communicate them clearly early on, and as devastating as it might be if he walks away because of it, know that you truly are dodging a bullet. If a man is primarily interested in you now because of what he can get from you, that won’t change come marriage.

Date someone who shows initiative.

This shows up in two ways—the first of which you’ll get a sense for right away. I realize that expecting prince charming to show up and sweep you off your feet may be outdated and unrealistic, but I think it’s fair to expect at least a 50/50 effort.

While I encourage you to be bold, go after what you want, and be free to flirt and show your interest, if you are driving the majority (if not all) of the conversations, dates, follow-ups, etc., then something’s wrong. Expect that the person you date will happily be putting in effort to see you and foster your relationship right from the start.

Now, I will preface the second means by which this initiative manifests by sharing that I am the biggest advocate of women and would never want this to make you feel limited—but date someone who shows motivation to be able to have and provide for a family (assuming that you would like a family yourself). Again, I by no means am implying that the traditional gender roles must be upheld, but I am saying that a man should present with some motivation to be the leader of your relationship and potential future family.

Believe me, this is an area that most certainly will not remedy itself simply by getting married. A simple question to help you get a feel for this is by asking about his goals for his future—does he have any? How is he practically moving toward them? Because, like all of us, if he’s not moving forward, he’s moving backwards.

Date someone who respects you.

I almost hesitated to share this one, because it seems so obvious, right? Wrong! You would be amazed at how many women I work with professionally as well as know personally who are so quick to justify and offer excuses for flakey or otherwise unacceptable behavior from the men they date.

Respect or lack thereof will manifest itself pretty quickly in basic considerate behavior. Respect means responding to a message or phone call within a timely fashion (really, you didn’t have time to text?), it means showing up when they say they will, it means listening to you when you’re talking, it means following through on commitments. I implore you to value yourself enough to uphold this rule.

I find women are prone to giving men the benefit of the doubt and justifying why it’s okay that they were treated poorly. Don’t do it. Men will rise to the standards that women hold them to, so demand that you be treated with respect.

Finally, be free to discern and hold a standard that is specific to you.

It’s hard to make universal claims that might be true for some but not for others, so know yourself, know your past wounds and specific desires for the future, and don’t be afraid to honor something that you specifically need.

Perhaps you grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent, so dating someone with a history of addiction is just not something you’re willing to do. Maybe you have a family member with a disability and as such you need to live nearby them indefinitely and aren’t willing to move across states. Maybe your last relationship ended because your ex was unable to commit after multiple years and you don’t want to date someone longer than a year moving forward.

These things are okay! You have permission to hold these standards for the man that you specifically will date.

Again, if the goal is marriage, then who you date is a big deal. Drop the unrealistic preferences, but hold fast to the things that really matter. Men who will live up to these standards (or already do) are out there, and will likely be all the more attracted to you because you hold them. I believe these standards are not only acceptable to have in your dating life, but necessary for a happy, healthy, and flourishing relationship.

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