Bury These Habits Now To Save Your Future Marriage

“I take thee for my lawful husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

I am engaged, and my fiancée and I were at our second marriage preparation meeting with Father, going over the parts of the Catechism pertaining to the Sacrament of Matrimony. Father was grilling us with questions like “what is a Sacrament” and “what is a covenant.”

Since both of us work for the Church and spend our days administering the Religious Education programs at our parish, Kayla and I were acing this part of the preparation. We were giving all the right answers until Father asked us a real doozy of a question that stumped both of us. “What does it mean to be faithful?”

I gave a classic guy answer that was very matter of fact and technical whereas Kayla’s response was more heartfelt.

Father chuckled at both of us and said that in the 20 plus years of his priesthood, he has never had a couple give him the simple answer: “Fidelity is not having sex with anyone other than your spouse.” He said that this is because everyone has an innate sense that the wedding vows bind us to something more than just not having sex with other people. The wedding vows call us to a fidelity that is profound and deep.

He recounted a couple he was preparing once, and the guy trying to be romantic, turned to his fiancée and said, “Fidelity means that I only have eyes for you, baby.” As sappy as that sounds, Father admitted that he hit on something true.

Fidelity in marriage is certainly about having an exclusive sexual relationship with your spouse, but it is something more profound. Fidelity is keeping your eyes fixed on your beloved, your spouse, even before other obligations.

I realize that as an engaged man, I am called to put my fiancée's needs and desires before my own in an act of sacrificial love. I must give my undivided attention to my fiancée and not lose focus on her. I must put her first and be attentive to her needs first. In other words, "I only have eyes for you baby!"

Unfaithful habits

There are so many ways that fidelity can be tested for all couples, whether you are dating, engaged, or married. A couple of areas where fidelity is a struggle for me in my own relationship are the areas of technology and work. I can also see a struggle for fidelity with families in my parish when it comes to sports, friends, hobbies.

The more I reflect on my vow to fidelity, the more I see what the vow involves, and ultimately I ask myself the same question for all my activities and interests: is my focus on my bride?

I thank God He will give me the grace to live out that fidelity. Even with grace, there are certain habits that I want to recommend to you that I wish I had cultivated in my single life before getting engaged. I wish I had not become so dependent on technology, and I really wish I had practiced making firm commitments.

Limit your use of technology

I challenge you to limit your use of technology. The research seems to be finding that technology is causing ADHD like symptoms in people who don’t have ADHD:

“More frequent phone interruptions made people less attentive and more hyperactive.”

This is particularly true in my life. The other night I was eating dinner with my fiancée at a nice restaurant, and I couldn't focus on her. I kept reaching for my phone and was very fidgety! In this small way, I noticed my struggle to be faithful to my future bride.

I've found some habits to change in my smartphone use to grow more detached from it.

For example, when you are at home, strive to only use your iPad or smartphone for things that are absolute necessities, like paying the bills. Try to avoid wasting time on the internet or binge watching a TV show.

Turn off the notifications so you aren’t notified when an email comes in or your football team scores a touchdown.

Technology is a tool that can both useful and beneficial. I found my fiancée on CatholicMatch. But the same technology that brought us together has the potential to rip us apart if we put it above our relationships.

Learn to commit and RSVP

Aside from work, my single life was commitment-free. I had the time to do what I wanted, when I wanted. I would frequently hem and haw when I received an invite to a party. I would think to myself, “Maybe something else will come up that I will prefer to do.” Even to this day, I hate scheduling my time, particularly on the weekends.

If I was planning on going to my folks' house for dinner, I would never give them a time to expect me. I didn’t want to limit myself to a schedule. Because of this attitude, I really struggle with faithfulness to my plans, and I am often late. Just the other day I told my fiancée that I would arrive at her house by 10 a.m. so we could go to Mass and Confession. I didn’t arrive until 10:30 a.m.

If only I had made a commitment in my single life, commitments now in my engagement wouldn’t be so difficult. Does your parish offer Eucharistic Adoration? You should commit to spending an hour each week (or month, as is my case) in Adoration before the Lord. Maybe commit to helping out at the local food pantry or soup kitchen. Volunteer to teach for your parish Religious Education program.

Make some commitment that will force you to be somewhere at an appointed time where someone else is relying on you. If you can be faithful in this small commitment, when the commitment of marriage is on the table, fidelity to your spouse will be much easier.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I always figured that once I got engaged that it would be easy to keep my gaze on my beloved. But now that I am on this side of the fence, it’s not as easy as I had thought. Looking back, I really wish I would have used my single life a little more wisely and fostered a better spirit of commitment and fidelity by limiting technology in my life and actually making commitments.

For now, I will just keep working on my habits to be ready for a life of fidelity in marriage. And I can’t wait to fix my gaze on my beloved for the rest of my life!