Red Flags vs. Flaws: How to Deal

60

There are a lot of reasons out there not to date someone. 

There are a lot of reasons out there to break up with someone.

There are also a lot of reasons out there to date.

And there are a lot of reasons out there to not immediately end the relationship when certain points of difference or disagreement arise.

The big nuance to this is… it is up to you to pick and choose which falls into what category.

Is this something to break up with them over? Is this something to talk through? Is this something to not take too much note of?

What I’ve learned through dating and through marriage is that everyone has flaws, and only some people throw up red flags. 

These two things are not the same. They are different in what they are and how we ought to treat them. And they are worth differentiating and reminding yourself of from time to time.

So what are the differences between red flags and flaws?

Red flags are usually pretty serious.

They are not to be ignored. They are capable of leading to unhealthy behavior if they haven’t yet fallen into that category. They are usually indicative of unhealthy tendencies, and call for a re-evaluation of the relationship and your participation in it. Sometimes they come glaringly red, and sometimes it can take longer to notice. But that part doesn’t matter—the noticing part does.

Red flags look like the other person not trusting where you are when you aren’t with them. They look like calling you degrading names, insulting you, or having a lack of respect for you. They look like wanting to look through your phone and social media accounts. They look like questioning if you really want to hold boundaries you’ve set forth as your own. They look like wanting to control your plans, who your friends are, and who you talk to. They look like a lack of control of their mood or emotions.

Flaws, on the other hand, are usually simpler, even if they can be more annoying.

They are something that you two can address and talk through. They can be one-time occurrences or they can be habits. They are not inherently dangerous or unhealthy. They are within everyone, within you, within me. We all have flaws. No matter who you are, you are somehow flawed. That doesn’t mean you are “bad,” it just means there are flaws!

And this makes complete sense, because we are human. The choice for you when it comes to dating someone else, is if you want to work through those flaws with the other person.

So what do they look like? Flaws look like forgetting to call you after a long day. They look like not texting you back as quickly as you would like, or not getting the door for you as you walk into a restaurant. They look like running a few minutes late or being untidy. Things that are totally allowed to bother you, but that can also be talked through. 

And what do these differences mean?

These differences mean different actions are called for on your part. They allow us to look closer at this other person and determine if “___” is something that is truly an issue not to ignore, or something to talk about and grow from. These differences mean that we don’t necessarily have the end the relationship when something comes up that we don’t particularly care for.

It means that we can grow to become better at avoiding toxic habits that will lead to unhealthy relationships at the same time as becoming better at talking through smaller things that bother us so we can grow from them. 

Knowing the differences between red flags and flaws can bring about a sense of freedom in dating. And I think that is what we are all after—no one wants to feel trapped in dating! We want freedom. 

Freedom to get to know a person even if they forgot to call us the other night. 

Freedom to ask a person why they were late instead of assuming they don’t respect your time (or you). 

Freedom to know when unhealthy habits are not to be ignored. 

Freedom to have healthier boundaries within our relationships.

The differences between red flags and flaws is something I learned through many mistakes in my dating life, but that doesn’t mean that’s how everyone has to learn. Take these to heart and pass them along to a friend. Let iron sharpen iron. Let more freedom into dating!

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 14338 times —