Don't Be Afraid to Do These Things on a First Date

I broke a couple of rules on my worst first date.

Early last year, a man I met online drove an hour to meet me at a coffee shop. In our first five minutes together, he said he needed to tell me something important: that under no circumstance would he ever agree to save sex for marriage. 

I laughed. (Rule #1: Don't laugh at your date.) But finding the humor is how I cope when I⁠—a virgin, chastity speaker, and author of a book about saving sex⁠—am sipping hot tea while a man I just met says I'm going to have to sleep with him.

We spent the rest of our date in an hour-long (mostly friendly) debate about whether to save sex for marriage, in which I scoffed a lot. (Rule #2: Don't roll your eyes at your date.) We never spoke again. 

I didn't have the heart that night to do what I really wanted to do: leave as soon as he denounced the virtue of chastity. There are first date "rules" I wanted to follow, first date norms I hadn't challenged. I was afraid. But now I know: We don't have to be.

Sometimes, we should break a few "rules" on first dates.

The norm, for instance, might be to tread lightly toward or steer clear of sensitive subjects, but you're allowed to share or stand up for your beliefs. It's normal to nod and smile even when your date says something that stuns you, but it's OK to admit that you disagree. And it may be normal to say yes to a second date, just to see, even though you're not feeling it, but it's also OK to say no.

If you feel uncomfortable at the thought, I get it⁠—we all want to give others a fair shot. We all want to be on our best behavior. But how fair is it if in giving a man or woman more of your time, you deny what you already know to be true (that this relationship isn't going to work)? And first impressions are important. But first impressions are worthless if we withhold who we really are.

It is better early than late for your date to learn the truth about you. And that's why on any first date, you don't have to be afraid to do these 5 things.

1. Share that you're saving sex for marriage.

When I give chastity talks, one of the most popular questions people in the audience ask is how soon it is wise while dating to share that you're saving sex. My answer is always the same: "On or before a first date." Responses to my answer never change, either. "But that's awkward!" Yes, it is. And "I don't like to talk about that." But you need to. Or "He might not ask for a second date." Good. A guy who doesn't want to go out with you again because of your virtue is a guy you shouldn't go out with again.

Yes, it can be difficult to divulge that you're saving sex (or sex from now on). But your chastity is good information for your date. And your date's response to it is good information for you. He or she deserves to know what you practice. And you deserve to date someone who'll practice it with you.

2. Ask your date to clarify.

Or ask him to tell you more about what he just glossed over. Or ask her to repeat what you hope she didn't just say but think she might have just said. Some first dates go so smoothly that at the end, neither of you have questions other than, "When can I see you again?" But on other first dates, your love interest might say something that doesn't sit well with you⁠—something that has you wondering, "What did he mean by that?"

The temptation might be to analyze it later, alone or with friends; to brush it off and hope for the best; or to make assumptions about it. But there is a better option: Ask him. On a first date, your asking for a clarification sets an important precedent: that sometimes, you'll need each other to clarify, and that that's OK. Plus, a person who's willing to love you won't be put off because you ask him or her to elaborate. 

Yes, the possibility exists that you won't like your date's answer⁠—that his or her answer will reveal a red flag or a dealbreaker. But you can only deal with red flags and dealbreakers if you know they exist. 

3. Pray together.

We are Catholics. We exist to love and serve the God who created us, who uses our relationships to sanctify us. It is intimacy with Him that gives us the grace to love others. It is our adherence to what we believe that determines what we will and will not do.

And yet what some of us do not do is pray together on a first date. "Because it's awkward." "Because I don't like to pray out loud." "Because it's too intimate." But praying together doesn't mean you sneak off to a private room dimly lit by candles. It doesn't mean you hold hands. It just means you invite the Lord into your midst, which is exactly where you'll always want him to be if your first date becomes a committed relationship. 

And it might be awkward at first. But the longer we avoid making prayer part of a relationship, the less likely we are ever to do it.

4. Bring friends.

Who says first dates can't be double dates? In fact, one of my best first dates was one. When we met, that guy and I discovered our dozens of mutual friends. Two of them⁠—a married couple that met on CatholicMatch⁠—organized our first date. The four of us had dinner together and the night was different from any previous first date I'd ever had. The presence of other people took the pressure off. 

Four practicing Catholics who worship in the same diocese absolutely can come up with a lot to discuss. And you learn a lot about one another in a group that you don't learn when you're only focused on each other.

5. End the date immediately. 

How bold the man was who told me on our first (and last) date that he'd never save sex for marriage. And how bold I would have been if I had done what I wish I had: end the date immediately. Others might say it's worthwhile to give it a chance, because "after all, you can teach him about chastity." But I don't need to date him in order to do that. If you date because you seek a spouse but you can only marry a person who meets a certain standard, there is no reason to date somebody who doesn't. 

A significant other who doesn't love Jesus, who doesn't cherish you, or who doesn't practice virtue rarely (if ever) becomes a spouse who does. And your dating relationship really should end as fast as your date rules him or herself out⁠—even on a first date.