Confidence Versus Arrogance: Be Confident Without Being a Jerk

You know that saying, “Good girls like the bad boys?”

I don’t like that mantra either, but it’s come about through a grain of truth.

We’ve all met ladies who fall for a jerk every time, or on the flip side, men who chase after superficial coquettes. Perhaps most of us at some point were crushing on someone like that! How do these people garner so much attraction, even when we know they’re bad news?

It’s because they project confidence. The bad boy doesn’t need anyone to approve of him, and his female counterpart will never chase after a boy. People who appear secure in themselves are very attractive. But here’s the catch: confidence is easily confused with arrogance. What’s the difference?

Confidence is security in yourself and your own identity—as Catholics, as children of God, as someone seeking the truth and living it out. Arrogance is the need to show off how independent and secure you supposedly are. This is usually an overcompensation for insecurity: if you’re spending your time trying to flaunt your confidence, it’s not really confidence at all!

The hard part is how confusing the two look from the outside.

Mistaking arrogance for confidence is often why women unknowingly date a string of jerks, or men pursue the high-maintenance flirt. Real confidence isn’t showy, but people pick up on it anyway.

It’s easier than you think to tell the difference! For instance:

• Arrogance needs an audience, where confidence doesn’t need to be seen. The arrogant person might act loud and flashy around others, but turn completely different when they’re alone. A confident person will usually behave the same way regardless of who’s around. This also applies to social media!

• Arrogance likes to be the epitome of ___fill in the blank___. The center of attention, the smartest, the most spiritual, the best whatever. We all have a desire to be good at things, but arrogance depends on a specific label or “being the best” as an identity. Confidence doesn’t claim greatness, it lets actions and skills speak for themselves.

• Confidence can handle feedback and criticism, whether or not it’s warranted. Arrogance can’t handle those things with grace. When someone points out a fault or criticizes them, the arrogant person tends to fire up, fight back, or condescendingly dismiss the comment (and sometimes the person). This generally stems from the need to be the best!

The first important aspect is to look in the mirror and see if you’re projecting confidence, or actually arrogance. 

• Are you humble? Remember, you’re not actually that important in the grand scheme of things. This may seem counterintuitive, but wait! This gives you the freedom to not be self-conscious or insecure. What does it matter if you make a mistake or embarrass yourself since you’re not worried about looking perfect? Instead of worrying about your image, you can focus on improving yourself instead.

• Whom do you attract? You are who you hang out with, I believe the saying goes. Confident people often attract other confident people, in friendships and in dating. But arrogant people often attract doormats. If your friends and dates are humble and secure, you probably are too. But if your friends or dates don’t want to speak their minds, look to you for decisions, or depend on you to feel secure, red flag. They might be attracted to your overabundant self-assertiveness because they lack their own. (Also, if you find yourself to be one of these followers, start thinking about whether you truly want that in a marriage.)

• Where do your problems come from? Confident people can admit they messed up, take responsibility for their actions, and accept blame. Review what you consider to be problems or sticky situations in your own life. Was so-and-so to blame about that spat? Did the situation cause you to fail? If it’s always someone else’s fault, you might not have the right type of confidence.

Finally, you probably want to be a confident person, both for your own well-being and to be more attractive to the right people.

How do you develop a healthy self-confidence without crossing into arrogance? Start with a few simple tips:

• Focus on your goals and spiritual life without telling people about it. Remember that Bible verse about the Pharisees fasting, wearing ashes, and praying loudly in public, just so everyone would see them? Be the opposite. Do your hobbies, prayers, and things you’re proud of silently—practice not talking about them until you’re asked.

• Don’t worry about what other people think about you, good or bad. Seriously, just stop worrying about it! Nobody has you in the spotlight, so there’s no need to think that way.

• Learn genuine conversation. Confident people take a real interest in those around them, as well as being open to sharing about themselves. So learn to balance chit chat without dominating the discussion OR being a quiet mouse. This is very attractive to your dates!

Congratulations, you are ready to stride confidently (not arrogantly!) through the dating world and beyond!