Love Endures All, but Infatuation Endures a Lot Too

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Have you ever had a friend whose choice of boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't make sense to you?

Maybe your friend is Catholic and his girlfriend isn't. Maybe your friend wants to save sex for marriage and her boyfriend doesn't. Or maybe it's obvious to everybody but your friend that he or she is settling.

I have been that friend. I have been the woman weathering undue storms in dating relationships, waiting longer than I should have for proposals from men who didn't want to marry me. Why did I stay? Because "love endures all things," I thought. 

And that's true. But it's also true that a person's willingness to endure isn't necessarily rooted in love.

Yes, love does endure all things. But infatuation endures a lot. Here's how to tell the difference.

Insecurity and indecision and denial endure a lot, too. So how do we know what it actually is that emboldens us to endure? The answer becomes clearer when we fill in this blank: My endurance in this relationship is primarily an expression of my love for _______. If your answer isn't God, your endurance might not be rooted in love.

That's because your love for a girlfriend or boyfriend or for a husband or wife isn't supposed to determine what you endure. Your love for God is supposed to determine what you endure. And what He calls you to endure depends on lots of factors, like whether you're married and whether He's using what you're enduring to sanctify you.

God might not ask you to endure a significant other's misplaced priorities in dating like He'd ask you to endure it if it pops up after marriage. You aren't meant to marry a person who won't make the relationship a priority, but you are created able to kindly call out your spouse and practice patience while, ideally, he or she works to create better boundaries.

God also might not ask you to endure a boyfriend or girlfriend's selfishness like He'd ask you to endure it in a spouse. You aren't designed to marry a person who is incessantly unwilling to love sacrificially, but you are created able to forgive a spouse's inevitable periodic selfish decisions without brooding over them.

And God will never ask you to endure abuse.

But it is likely if you are dating now that there are unfavorable traits or behaviors you endure already.

The fact that you endure isn’t as significant as what you endure and why.

Do you endure a problematic relationship because you don't think you'll be OK after a breakup (instead of acknowledging how secure you are in God, with or without this person)? If your first love is God, you know He's your life's secure base. Sometimes, what your love for Him endures is the grief you feel after you've ended a dating relationship.

Do you endure because you've invested too much to give up now (instead of cutting your losses and waiting longer to meet somebody who loves you well)? If your first love is God, you trust that you're always in His hands. Sometimes, what your love for Him endures is the work it takes to start over after you've given your all to a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend who isn't all-in.

Or do you endure because you can't imagine somebody better for you than this person, even though this person doesn't make your relationship a priority (instead of owning your identity as a child of God whose dignity is meant to be honored)? If your first love is God, you believe He knows what you need in a spouse better than you do. Sometimes, what your love for Him endures is how long He makes you wait to meet a person who is suitable for you.

Perhaps you endure because you believe you can change this person (instead of accepting that this person isn't who you're looking for). If your first love is God, you can admit that His plans are way better than yours. Sometimes, what your love for Him endures is the sorrow you feel when you let boyfriends or girlfriends go instead of clinging to them.

Or maybe you endure because you're committed to introducing this person to chastity or other virtues (rather than trusting that you aren't the only means God can use to sanctify this person). If your first love is God, who longs to hold you while you suffer, you let Him. Sometimes, what your love for Him endures is the discomfort in relinquishing control in the places you'd really like to have it.

Perhaps it's time to reflect on your true motives.

Love endures, in part, because it's patient and kind. But it endures what it endures because of what we, the people who choose to love, have discerned: that God wants us to.

And God wants us to endure when enduring illustrates what His love for us is like. He wants us to endure when enduring aligns with our identity as His children. He wants us to endure when enduring doesn't dismiss or damage the dignity He gave us.

And we will want to endure what He wants us to endure, when loving Him is truly our first priority.

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