Lies and the Art of Online Dating

Is it possible to be completely truthful when presenting yourself in an online profile? 

I am a screenwriter. I realize that I create fictional characters and stories. The stories I write didn’t really happen (except in my mind). One way to look at it is that I lie all day for a living. When a script I write gets produced, professional actors portray fictional characters and speak dialogue that no one in real life ever spoke. 

So, in a way, I am a professional liar. And yet…

Famed painter Pablo Picasso said: “Art is a lie that makes us realize truth.” 

Art is a lie. In other words, a painting of a waterfall is not a waterfall. Words on the page of a fictional novel are not something that actually happened. A movie or TV show is just actors pretending to fall in love or solve a crime on screen. It’s not real. And yet, it communicates truth.

That’s essentially the same thing we do when we create online dating profiles. 

We post the most attractive photo of ourselves that we can find. But that photo is not us, and it doesn’t show our blemishes under less flattering light. 

It is, in fact, an actual photo. But it is it real? Or is it a lie?

It’s the same with the personal essays we write to describe ourselves in a profile. Of course, we want to make the best impression. We want to look appealing. So we talk about our positive traits and our fascinating interests. We present ourselves as fun, altruistic, and compassionate. We love hiking. We volunteer at our parish. We love children.

This can all be true. But we are probably leaving out certain traits too. (I did when I had a CatholicMatch profile.) 

Maybe we are short-tempered and have a tendency to be selfish. Maybe we have an addiction we’re not willing to advertise. Maybe we’ve failed at several previous relationships and we’re afraid we will again.

At some point, if our profile is crafted artistically enough, we will eventually have to meet a match in person.

And then what? 

They will get to know the real us, not our profile. We won’t be able to hide our fears and faults forever. We might lose our patience and snap at them. Or become jealous and insecure. Or our pimples might show under bad restaurant lighting. 

Does that mean we lied in our profile presentation? Not necessarily. It just means we moved beyond the lie that tells the truth into the actual truth. None of us is perfect. And 100 percent of the time that will become evident when we spend enough time with a person in real life.

There is nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward. That’s how we attract a match. Even animals do it. Peacocks flare their bright plumage and lions bare their sharp teeth to show they are the best of the bunch, dominant and worthy of being mates.

But when we are creating or revising our online profile, let’s also keep in mind we are higher than the animals.

Craft the most appealing profile you can, but do it in a truthful and honest spirit.

Pray about it. Are you being honest? Are you being real? 

Are you crafting a blatant lie? Or a lie that tells the truth? If you have issues or vulnerabilities (and we all do), don’t try to cover it up. You don’t have to advertise it, but don’t present a picture of yourself that’s misleading either. “If we say, ‘We are without sin,’ we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8).

Be honest about your problems and challenges. But be honest about your willingness to overcome them too. 

That’s why you are on CatholicMatch. Not to find another person who’s faking it, but to find someone who is willing to take the leap of faith and work through your challenges with you as a team. 

You are here to find someone who enjoys all the good you have to offer, and to struggle beside you through the bad.

On some level, an online profile is always going to have an element of the fake.

It’s inevitable. It’s a manufactured presentation you get time to craft and perfect.

And it’s not just an online phenomenon. Before (and since) the Internet, people presented the best versions of themselves, whether trying to meet someone in church, at a party, a wedding, a bar, or anywhere else. We dress nicely and wear makeup and cologne and try to appear funny and charming and confident.

In that sense, one could say that what we are presenting is a “lie.” But that’s not necessarily bad. 

Attempting to find a match is an art. And, like Picasso said, art is a lie that can communicate the truth.

And the truth of who you really are, even with all its flaws and problems, is beautiful and good.

So wherever you are seeking a match, show the best of who you are, but do it in an honest spirit. Ask God to guide you as you work on how you present yourself to others online, and in real life. However you do it, do it in the light of truth.

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light, for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth” (Ephesians 5:8-9).