Want to Match for Life? Go Beyond the Profile
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Last month, I had conversations with two different persons who were dating online because they want to meet someone and match for life.
In listening to both of their stories it was clear that they knew what they were looking for. And, both, had been matched several times. Yet, both were frustrated because their matched suitors didn't pan out and become the one.
"How could this happen?", both asked. "Our profiles are accurate and revealing. We scoured the profiles of those we matched and backed them up with Google searches. Why didn't we click and match for life?"
The answer to their question is literally beyond me—and them.
Both daters have to go beyond what is revealed in a profile or internet search.
I am a huge Word on Fire follower. There is very little of what they post that doesn't pass me by. Bishop Barron and his team offer consistent, powerful resources for Catholics that are intelligent, rational, and thought provoking. In two recent videos (one given at Facebook and the other at Amazon), Bishop presents a compelling idea that you can not completely understand someone by drilling down on all of the information you can glean about them online. To understand the heart of someone, Bishop recommends that you move from reason (what you know in your head) to faith (what isn't revealed by the data). Let me explain.
Profiles are a collection of information about a person: what they like, don't like; what they do or don't do; what they dream about or avoid. All of this is important and necessary as an introduction.
Searches might provide a bit more data: pictures; comments; allegiances. This adds to the 'getting to know you' phase. But, it still isn't the robust reveal that you need in order to match for life.
There are two extremes in the data-gathering stage online
Sadly, many online daters go all in after gathering the data. They lay their entire heart on the line, inflate their hope that he/she is the one, and begin making wedding plans based on the revealed facts. This is a monstrous error for most because it results in falling in love with a picture of the other rather than the reality of the other. Data leads to falling in love with something rather than someone.
Or, online daters fall to the other extreme of data-judging: people reject potential matches due to the how they interpret the data they see, forgetting that a person is much more than a set of black and white sentences composed about him or herself or a few google results.
Matching for life—e.g. marriage—involves faith: a journey beyond what can be proven or recorded in a profile. It demands an openness to the surprises that God wants to provide. It requires a flexible and curious spirit that comes from personal vulnerability.
Think about this in terms of becoming intimate with God.
Bishop Barron reminds us that God is not something that can be totally known through our earthy investigation and study. Rather, we have to be with Him and allow our hearts to receive Him. Bishop suggests that the same applies to human persons; we need to be with them and open our heart to who they are beyond what we already know.
How do you do that without losing your sanity? Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, talks about five dynamics of relationships that, when balanced and ordered, move you beyond head knowledge towards the heart's desire. His research shows that you begin with the data (who is this person?) and then move into the area of trust, followed by reliance, followed by commitment and finishing with sexual touch.
When each dynamic unfolds in order into the next over time, the heart of each person is revealed and protected from relational harm. But, if the dynamics unfold out of order (e.g. reliance precedes trust or sexual intimacy precedes commitment), irreparable harm and hopelessness ensue.
Answering the question, "why didn't we match for life?" becomes easier when you are open to looking beyond the profile.
How do you go beyond the profile?
To find the right match who will become your spouse or to help someone in their quest for a spouse, consider the following:
1. Engage the potential life match by asking good questions that lead to more information. Talk about family and previous relationships. Ask about their sense of right and wrong. Explore the unknown.
2. Meet in person as soon as possible (be that in video chat or in real life) so that you can discover more about each other. Meet in small doses over a longer period of time. Limit face to face dates to 90 minutes or less.
3. Pay attention: does the other ask you questions about your family, previous relationships and what you hold important or not? Are they willing to go beyond what they already know about you? There should be a balanced exchange between both of you.
4. Be realistic. Don't over-exaggerate the picture your are formulating in your head or heart.
5. Slow down the process. It takes time to verify the reality of another person.
6. Don't jump to judgment (negative or positive).
7. Ask your family to weigh in. Let them meet and greet the person you are interested in. Receive their comments.
8. Pray for wisdom and guidance. God is the author of love. He will guide you as you journey beyond the facts.
Find Your Forever.
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